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I am, first and foremost, grateful for life itself! I'm grateful for each breath, even when it's labored, even when it hurts. I'm grateful to be alive. I'm about to be 47 years old at the end of this month. I can say I've earned each gray hair on my head which is why I refuse to ever color them.

I love my friends. I am very happy for my friend who became a great-grandmother for the first time. It's amazing to see her progeny, her beautiful family blossom and bloom over the years. How amazing it must be to know these lives all lead back to her. She has been enduring, strong and graceful during her recovery and deserves the happiness that comes with new births, dances, graduations and all those picture moments in time. I'm so happy for her right now.

I am pleased to finally get a look at my gifted 55 gallon terrarium. I knew it was being given to me and was the property of a young man who died. What I didn't know was that he painted the wood stand and top fire engine RED. Yes, bright red!!! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! It's tacky but I shall paint it and make this free gift fit my decor. ...continue reading "Gratitude Expressions 8/26/18"

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I'm finally here. It's been a very long time but I'm finally in my own place. What a relief! I love it too. It's very different from any place I've ever lived bc I've never lived in an efficiency / studio apartment. This is about 500 square feet so it's not that terribly small. There's space to move about. I'm not cramped or anything like that, I just don't have a separate bedroom. That's not a problem for me, it's just very new. I'm going to have to downsize some more, which I've been meaning to do.

One difficult thing about unpacking is that I'm trying to do it with one foot that's still very sore and still open incision in three spots. I'm pooping out quickly. It used to take me days to unpack but this will take me quite a bit longer in my state. ...continue reading "Here at Last"

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Fifteen days total but halfway through I began to lose myself to the constant and extreme pain. My medication cocktail sometimes caused me to see dragons and aliens. I'd been in intensive care for the bilateral pulmonary embolism and life threatening blood clots. I was about to begin a chapter of life I'll never forget, one that has left physical scars and emotional pain. What I've decided to do is express some of those experiences through art.

The first experience in multi media is called Three Birds.

Half way through ICU care I was losing it. The doctors worried I'd have to go on dialysis. My kidneys were shutting down, my heart was in trouble too. I was in trouble and I knew it so I asked my God, "Are you with me?" I needed to know if He knew his servant needed his comfort and approval. ...continue reading "Three Birds"

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I got the apartment and move in Saturday! I already have the keys and lease.
I'm excited and a bit nervous, mostly excited. I have to figure out how to fit my stuff in this place. One thing I know is I'll have a 55 gallon aquarium in there! Somehow, some way, that aquarium WILL fit. I'm going to split it in half, half bedroom, half art studio w tea bar. I'll keep the doll collection in the bedroom area. I'm sure my little studio will feel like home in no time. ...continue reading "Saturday is moving day"

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I've gotten a hold of all the paperwork I need to apply for the wheelchair accessible apartment! I have everything I need! Oh I can't wait to have my own place again. Since this started I've had zero personal space either physically or environmentally. People touch and prod, observe and examine, when and where they like. And they've done it since February when the train wreck began. So now after 5 months of living in a hospital with 2 months of that 5 in a nursing home, I will have night time privacy.

Coming w me to the new place (when I get one) will be the staff: nurses, CNA's and the physical therapist. I'll have a CNA 3x a week for four hours. It seems like a lot but there's still a lot I'm unable to do for myself. ...continue reading "Apartment Possibilities and the Wheelchair"

Snapshot fma
Snapshot

The last few days have been torture. I hurt from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. The amputation site is having an electric storm of shock and neuropathy. It's been a bad few days and I've done very little reaching out. I've just been waiting for medication time!

The foot that was amputated coincidentally was the foot with Chronic Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Though amputated for other reasons, I hoped the RSD fire and pain would stop, it didn't and won't. It doesn't work that way. ...continue reading "Enduring the Days"

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Someone to Watch Over Me
Someone to Watch Over Me

I asked you to do the surgery. You said you could or a colleague but I trusted my life in your hands. It felt like there was so much at stake, more to lose than body parts. I can't explain how afraid I was that I'd throw a blood clot or bleed to death. I was so scared I kept calling to my mother!

I had a dream about her last night. She was a helpless infant in my arms. I rolled around in my wheelchair with her head on my shoulder. I made sure she was safe and warm. Safe. ...continue reading "Not Cut and Dry"

I'm not brave. I'm not. I'm not rolling with the punches, I'm just getting punched. As I said, I've walked through the fire and I'm all burned up. I'm skinny, starving for a moment of real rest, of relief. ...continue reading "The Brave Face"

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I have a few more art supplies coming from Amazon.com which will give my heart another reason to beat happily.

I don't look happy in the photo bc I'm not. I was at the beginning of whatever my body is doing right now. I'm hacking and spitting up, vomiting and utterly miserable feeling. That's how my body feels but when I get a visitor I perk right up and chat and laugh like my old self.

I'm getting better settled in, getting used to such a small space for my own. At first I wanted to go back to the nursing home but not now. I just freaked out at the newness of it all. ...continue reading "Looking and Moving Forward"

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