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I collect tea and porcelain dolls. My body collects illnesses.

This is my second round of meds for the infection in my feet. At the beginning of the second round I had a side effect from the medication that caused a rash from my neck to my stomach, front and and back, arms and shoulders. I'm all jacked up with a yeasty rash!

I can only shake my head! I mean really? Can a girl catch a break, please? In the meantime, the infection is steadily growing in size on the left foot.

I could easily get depressed over all this but I'm trying to keep encouraged and keep on going. Taking care of myself and spoiling myself helps me endure things like this.

One of the things that should be helpful during this time is my CNA. For months things were good but right now they are coming to a rapid conclusion. There's trouble in CNA paradise. She and I had a long, long, pointed talk but I'm not sure anything got through. I see this ending soon. The problem is attendance and entitlement. She also lets me know just how expendable I am, which feeds into my abandonment issues. I told her that, but she wasn't able to hear it.

I know my plate is full right now but I have hope that things will soon calm down in a wave of relief.

Tonight I'm having BBQ ribs made in my slow cooker, a small salad and a baked potato. For dessert I'm having tea and carrot cake. I'll end the night by doing a soothing and healing wash in Tea Tree oil, Oregano essential oil and a dab of Lavender essential oil. This will help my chest and back situation. I then have a nice book to cap off my evening.

Faith

4

I've been going in to see the doctor more than normal because my body is having a hard time fighting the infection. The days I've not gone in she's called. I'm also to keep a photo diary of the changes to the wound site, which I've been doing. The infected area changes in size almost daily. It is amazing to see, amazing in a frightening way.

Today the doctor said the test results show I do not have MRSA. She originally feared it, but that is not the bacterial infection we're dealing with. She said it's necessary for me to go to see a specialist who will do x-rays to look at the foot, and a doppler to look for blood clots.

I was nervous about this appointment. I keep expecting the doctor to say there's nothing more that can be done for me. I fear more pain than anything else. Pain of the infection, pain and weakness in my legs, pain of another amputation. Pain. I fear it.

I never, ever want to come close to where I was in the hospital when the pain was so bad I prayed to die! I believe that happened 3 times. Even when I didn't pray to die, when I wanted badly to pull through, I feared I'd lose my mind because of the pain. Pain felt like it broke me. It left a crack in my head and on my heart.

I see in my head the way my body swelled with 70 pounds of excruciating, excess water weight. I see in my head and remember vividly black feet that once held the most painful, huge boils. It was horrendous! I fear ever having to do anything like that again. I fear I will.

The right foot is the biggest issue. The doctor said the meds aren't working but she wants me to try another round. So, more vomiting, more insomnia, ears ringing and other super fun stuff. The specialist will most likely change treatment but for now I do round two of the same.

I see the specialist Wednesday.

I'm discouraged and fearful but still determined to keep going.

It's 4pm, my CNA is gone for the day but we put dinner in the crock pot for me. I'm having roast with potatoes, carrots and green beans. There's a nice cup of tea in my future.

Faith

Three times last week I saw the doctor about my right foot because of the infection. She took a small biopsy to see exactly what type of infection is giving me the blues. I should know Wednesday when I return to her office.

I'm still handling it ok emotionally, I think.

I hate, hate, hate the medications I'm taking right now. They make me vomit, cause panic attacks and insomnia. I hate this crap but I know it's necessary. Last night I tossed and turned until finally I abandoned all aromatherapy and natural healing for a nice, green Clonapin. That helped some but not enough to keep me asleep.

Despite the feet being infected, especially the right one, I've had some really nice things happen this week. Here's my gratitude list :

  1. I was quite shocked and very grateful to receive 3 new, blue blankets in the mail. 🤗 I was so surprised and overjoyed. How awesome. I'm spoiled rotten. LOL. One of the blankets is a weighted blanket! Omgoodness I love it! Total score!
  2. I got a beautiful, large book on butterflies of the world.
  3. Using German Chamomile and Marjoram essential oils on my feet helps with Phantom Limb Pain, as does the weighted blanket.
  4. I had homemade strawberry shortcake with my CNA.
  5. I've had a lot of phone calls and visitors this week. I also got a couple notes which I will add to my card box.
  6. I heard, saw and recognized my first Catbird. Very cool bird.

Faith

4

Content: Anxiety. No self harm. Fill in CNA's friend committed suicide. Regular CNA troubles.

The day has been mostly good but with a lot of anxiety. We seemed to manage it better though. There was an instance when we wanted to cut but Michelle said rather quietly, "May I have some lavender?" We promptly put it in our nose and on our feet to help relax us immediately. I was so pleased she asked for assistance.

Here's some of her artwork throughout the entry.

My regular CNA is on holiday vacation which means I've had a fill in for two days. The first day went fine but today the fill in CNA checked her Facebook status and found out one of her friends killed himself. She lost it right here so I held her while she cried. She left in tears an hour after arriving. I can only shake my head at the amount of drama brought in this house by CNA's. It's not her fault her friend killed himself but dang, I should not hold my CNA like a child while she weeps, but I did.

Tomorrow my regular CNA returns and she's going to be rather upset with me because I spoke to her supervisor about some of the things she's been saying to me that are totally out of line. I talked to her about being on time and she told me if I didn't like her showing up late I could get someone else. (Sigh) I told her she was 20 min late to her shift and it mattered especially since she doesn't stay to make up that time. She said, I was here at 9 am but I stayed in the car to eat my breakfast. (Sigh)

The other day she told me my meal smelled bad. She said, "This stinks!" Then when she was putting Miracle Whip on my sandwich she told me her family doesn't eat Miracle Whip and that it "stinks!" (Sigh) I talked to her supervisor. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but that's okay because today isn't over and today is half way decent. Despite holding a sobbing, pregnant, fill-in CNA whose friend killed himself, despite interrupted sleep, I've had a decent day. I think the best thing is knowing that Michelle is aware that she can ask for help when she needs it.

I've got enough lavender to last until the end of the month, then I'll hit up Amazon for a large bottle of it.

I wonder why CBD oil doesn't work for my anxiety? I've switched from Medical Marijuana (MMJ) to CBD oil and CBD isolate but they do nothing, zero, zip, for anxiety. I don't think the MMJ did much for my anxiety either. It helped with pain but it didn't do much for Michelle.

I've sipped tea, let Michelle paint and have done some relaxation techniques to manage the symptoms. Right now the anxiety is pretty high so I'm going to get off here and put some lavender in my nose and on my feet. Time to sip some tea and maybe do a little reading. I've still got a few hours left in this day and I plan to survive them well. I think I'll make a sandwich, a large, stinky sandwich.

Jordan

Teach Her How to Grow If ever I needed to hear a mother's wise voice it's now. For many women, we don't have the option of calling mom to ask midlife questions. We end up spinning out here, losing our minds, not understanding that there's a logical explanation for what's going on.

I have laughed at older women and thought they were making too much of hot flashes and such but here I sit at the beginning of what can only be described at hell and I am not laughing. Who knew that perimenopause and menopause would make me feel crazy? ...continue reading "A Mother’s Knowledge – The Menopause Talk"

1

Dr. D and I discussed the paragraph in my entry where I said I feel as though he drops the ball when the issue of suicide comes up.

When I first went in to therapy I was nervous. I didn't want to be there at all because I knew I was going to talk to him about feeling less than fully supported by my therapist on the issue of suicidality. I feared he'd become defensive but he didn't.

I told him that he does ask questions but that its just information, nothing is done with it. It just hangs there. I said, you do ask how I'm doing but there's little of no response after I answer. I explained that when we talk about my anxiety he probes. He asks how I intend to manage it. I said, you are interested, concerned about those levels and it shows because you engage me. I explained that I don't feel the same level of interest or concern when discussing suicide. I said, you know, sometimes I call you and ask one question, "Am I going to be okay?" I started crying at that point and cried through the entire session. ...continue reading "THERAPY REVIEW: Confidence. Being Heard. Suicide. Perimenopause."

1

The medical doctor suggested that Gabapentin withdrawal, not Lyrica is the culprit and that perimenopause is also playing a part in this emotional and medical crisis. She made some suggestions to improve the terrible mood swings such as Dong quai and Black cohosh. The University of Maryland explains why I chose to use Black cohosh despite possible weight gain. Again, I've chosen the lesser of two evils.

When asked why I didn't lower the dose of Lyrica when it was originally thought to be a problem, I told her, at this point I'm more afraid of the pain than of my mind. ...continue reading "Depression. Suicide. Medication. Perimenopause."

The symptoms are quite intense. Nightmares, anxiety and deep despair are a lessor evil than pain so I went against medical advice and didn't reduce the amount of Lyrica I'm taking.

My first thought is to type, "I know its risky, but you don't understand," however many do. Many get that its difficult to make a good decision when all the choices can harm you. If I don't take a mix of medication with severe side effects, then I run the risk of losing my mind due to pain. If I take the mix of medication with severe side effects I run the risk of hurting myself if the side effects don't taper off. That is if the problem is Lyrica. I'll get to that later.

This is a catch 22 with the medication and I made a temporary decision to continue this treatment course with daily, in person, observation by three close friends who are not medical professionals. One friend a day will be here for the next two weeks. I have therapy 2x a week for the next two weeks. I've also got regular activities and volunteer work to perform so I'm covered as far as being observed and supported.

While being supported, I may be tearful, anxious or suicidal. I know that word suicide is a scary one but let me state clearly that living at this level of physical pain is slow murder. So I'm going to take a calculated risk beside a strong support team. ...continue reading "Lyrica – Against Medical Advice"

2

He said I'm just a ball of pain and that I need to stop blowing steam at him. I stopped, looked at him and said, Did you just tell me to stop telling you I'm in pain. He said, yes, because its nonsense. Then he said, "I'm just telling it like it is. I shoot from the hip." I pointed to the nearly 40 frames on one wall having to do with his military career and congressional awards and I said, "You're a soldier, are you?" I said, "Some people aren't soldiers. Some people don't shoot from the hip or like being shot at, at all." I explained that if he didn't believe me then that's one thing, but to say, "stop blowing that steam" and tell me I'm speaking nonsense isn't an acceptable way to speak to me. ...continue reading "Neurology appointment. I’m not a soldier."

2

I've done what I'm supposed to do, that should feel good. I don't feel good.
I'm still creating. Some get finished, other's lack substance and I lose interest. Today I made a third doll for donations (pics eventually) and a hat for myself.

Right in the middle of studying I had a full blown panic attack but I kept going. I didn't want to feel totally defeated. The problem was that I made one single, solitary mistake and it felt like my world crashed, like it was the biggest catastrophe on my heart. I had to get myself together over a tiny mistake that it took seconds to correct. Agitation. Agitation. Low tolerance for just about anything.

I listen to my frogs. I read. I played fetch with the dog again today; day three in a row. Playing with him today was forced but it was nice to see his tongue hanging out of his mouth and that big dog smile after playing so hard.

I want to care, mostly I don't.
I want to be in a good mood tomorrow and meet with what is now three people for letters to homebound Seniors in our community. I want to meet with them but I'm afraid. I just want to go to bed and put the covers over my head but honestly it feels miserable under there, too. Why? What is there to explain this level of absolute depression and flat out despair? What's wrong with me?

Just thought of something....... I've had a med change. It's the only thing I can think of that would make me feel this bad, so deeply with no real reason. I mean seriously, I want to just lay down and die. I can't explain why. Is it the combination of meds or something else? I talk to Dr. D tomorrow. We'll figure out something because today I hit my threshold.

Faith

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