I've been reading about staying positive which can be difficult for me. One of the things I've been trying to remember is that even with my health issues, I've not lost everything. I made a short list of things I've learned to do while in bed and while pacing at home. The reason I learned these things is that it's difficult to sit. It's painful so I end up lying down or I keep moving while I'm up. Standing still doesn't go well for me but as long as I keep moving I'm okay. So, here is my photo for the 17th of this month and my list of things I can still do:
Complain. I can do that in whatever position I find myself in. I complain in English and American Sign Language. I'm currently learning French, which isn't killing me this time around.
Paint. I can paint and draw while lying down. I've covered my bed so as not to ruin my mattress. It was my greatest concern that I wouldn't be able to paint because of needing to lie down so much.
I can sew while lying down. This was a welcome surprise. I have to be a little more prepared but it is still possible. I just finished and adopted out two dolls and I've started on a custom order doll today.
I can study and take notes in bed or on the sofa as long as I have my tablet and supplies with me. I can read and pace at the same time which I do quite often.
I can produce hand written letters of encouragement to others while in bed. It's important to always reach out.
I can still receive visitors if I'm on the sofa.
I stand while making tea but I have a no spill cup that allows me to drink tea in bed. Yup, gotta have that tea no matter what.
I can enjoy the sunshine on my face from the comfort of my bed. I can see the sky and hear the birds and ducks.
My smile isn't broken because I'm lying down. I still have a sense of humor.
When thinking about losing Jane, I don't feel crippled by it. I feel bad about that because it's almost like I should be out here falling apart, but I'm not. I feel bad that some reached out but she died anyway. I feel bad about that but I hope they realize they did make a difference. Reaching out always makes a difference.
There's a huge hole where Janie used to be. The house isn't the same at all, but it's still better because she was once here. I think that's what I still feel the most, very grateful.
My heart is heavy concerning my brother. I heard him play the cello, my favorite instrument. I thought I was going to burst into tears. I've never heard him play the cello before, just the violin, so watching and hearing him was rather moving. A long time ago I said I never got to tell him how proud I am of his accomplishments with music and with the children's orchestra. You could see in his face that he loved his job. ...continue reading "Cats and Violins"
She is ridiculously adorable. This is an addition to the frog's name, not a change. C. Annie Pickle is her name. Chandler Annie Pickle. If you can't tell, I'm so lovin' this frog. Look at those big eyes. My goodness, and those crazy legs of hers. When she jumps and lands she sounds just like those gummy frogs you get out of the machines at the store. There's a splat and smack combo as she lands. I so love frogs and their crazy feet.
Little green Annie is an Australian Tree Frog aka Dumpy Frog. She'll get anywhere from 4.5 inches to 5.5 inches. I intend to get her a friend at some point.
Too, too cute. I'm having way too much fun with this frog.
My Chubby frogs are as beautiful as ever, a rich chocolate with gold banding. I'm getting used to their call. At first it was strange to hear them but now I enjoy it. I've heard Annie call twice. 🙂 For a short while the crickets sing then the frogs. This is an orchestra with a song I've come to depend on.
When I first realized Jane was really sick, I moved out to the living room with her. This meant I spent a lot more time observing the terrariums as opposed to just working on them then coming back in the room. I'd like to keep my new observation vantage point. I like watching them move around, snatch bugs in their terrarium and explore their environment. Having a third frog that is primarily a land frog means I can watch plants grow and see the grass fill in places. I'll see their landscape change with time which is a nice thought.
I thought about grief and Mary Jane a bit. Part of me doesn't want to grieve her with any more tears. I want to celebrate her. I want to think about all the ways she was spoiled rotten, about the things she did that made me laugh and how she was the feline version of me...mouthy. Oh my gosh, Janie was a talker !!!!
When she wanted me to pet her she'd paw at my hand. I got to the point that I'd tap my finger at her paw so she'd leave me alone but she'd just sit there and stare at my hand like, pet me plllleassse.
I loved that she put the side of her face against mine when I picked her up. I loved how warm she felt and the vibration of her purr box. That's what I want to think about. I want to think about the kitty who didn't know a stranger but was sure to be obvious about not liking certain strangers. That happened three times with her. She completely ignored three different people and she was right each time. ...continue reading "Celebrating Janie"
I got the frog and brought it home. It already had a name before he even got here. The name is Chandler Pickle. As it turns out, Chandler is a girl but, who knew? The guy at Petco says I should change her name but honestly, it's even funnier to say the frog's name is Chandler and that it happens to be a girl. I mean really, if she has a problem with her name she'll have to change it when she grows up, just like I did. I'm sure some fat bull frog lawyer with several lily pads and his own pond will take on her case. Until such a time, her name is Chandler which I can't say without laughing, which is the point. I wanted the frog to have a silly name. ...continue reading "A frog named Chandler and the cat that won my heart"
I'm still awake. I can't remember all I've done but I know I didn't go to sleep after I got home. I made pizza and hung out with Mary Jane. I didn't do anything with the new frog. He is here but I didn't do anything but put him in his new home and then get to the rest of what I needed to do.
I had such a hard time with the idea of coming home because I knew it was a count down. It felt like if I didn't come home I wouldn't have to face this.
Dr. D and I talked about how things will change quite a bit without Jane.
I am going to be all over the map. I'm going to be ok one minute then falling apart the next. I'm going to talk about activities and focus on anything but the loss, then I'm going to talk about nothing but the loss. I'm going to let myself do the roller coaster emotional ride without hating myself for not handling things better. I know I'll be all over the place for a while. I'm going to be out of my head, if I'm not already. I feel like if a speck of dust blows it'll completely remove the barrier between me and insanity. I feel like I'm holding on tightly so I don't go out of my mind.
It takes a bit to accept things and it takes a bit to be able to do what's best for Jane. When she was seen a month ago ?? concerning her condition, I knew she was in trouble but she seemed to get better. She gained a few ounces and things appeared to be looking up, but I understand the road ahead isn't one that can be taken with confidence, not here with me.
I know Jane is 16 years old with feline renal failure. I know there are still things that can be done, but those things cost. What I decided to do, and what I talked over with friends for the last two days, is to surrender Jane to a low kill shelter. I will bring in all her paper work and tell them all that's been done for her here. I will tell them that I'm surrendering her because I know more can be done but not on my income. I don't make enough for the ongoing cost. Even if I moved to a low income apartment, I couldn't afford the care Jane needs. ...continue reading "Mary Jane in Renal Failure 2"
I am sad to say that there's been a turn of events with my Mary Jane. Her kidney's aren't doing well, she's not doing well. It could be just a few days. We simply could not keep that infection under control. Her fever will not subside and stay gone. We have done everything we possibly can do, including selling some of my porcelain dolls. I wouldn't bat an eye before doing it again if it would help. It appears the road we're on isn't one we're going to win. I wonder how on earth she will understand just what she means to me and what powerful affect she's had on me?
I noticed there are new journal entries from blogs I read. I'll be over there soon.
I made turmeric and ginger chocolate bars which I thought wouldn't be that good but as it turns out, they are. Today I purchased Cacao powder so I can make some more. If you like golden milk, you'll like the addition of chocolate. It's not hard to make the leap to a small chocolate square spiced up. The Cacao powder is for more than just spicy candy squares or truffles. I want the other things it's good for. I try to take in a variety of vitamins, minerals and valuable combinations to help with my physical and mental health.