Monday was one of the hardest days I've had in a while. It started off with nightmares that stayed with me for much of the day. I tried to go back to bed to start over but had yet another nightmare. Then as planned, I got myself together, got on my horse (wheelchair) and left the house despite mega pain. I went to the shoe store and cried my eyes out in the store unexpectedly. I had no idea the grief would hit me right there in DSW but it did and there I sat crying in my chair in front of people. I felt like a fool.
Later I went to the post office to send out art only to discover that it was Columbus Day, no mail. That would have been fine except I was already at my max of stress and physical pain. Then later the big worry happened, I fell. ...continue reading "Surviving to Eke out Gratitude"
She's a young one with sad eyes called "With all her imperfections."
Can you love her with all her imperfections? Can you forgive her moody ways, her tendency to frown instead of smile? Can you love her shyness, her uneven horizons?
She spits out poetry like she's on a stage show before college kids smoking herbal cigarettes and talking about diversity. She'll never fit in with them because she thinks they're shallow, but she can't bring herself to stop the verse.
Her eyes have been wide shut to ambition, calling it the true path to unhappiness. Her eyes have been wide shut to the clamor of panels on the news telling her how she should feel about the newest outrage, describing it as "woke". She can't stand it. She feels too much, says too much, writes too much and excels at imperfection, but she needs you to love her. With all her imperfections, can you still love her?
Her face is the canvas of her few years of life. There's still room on her cheeks for roses, still time for the love of life to kiss her lips pink. The brow line still rises and behind sad eyes there is living hope.
Can you still love her? With all her imperfections, can you still love her?
7x10 art journal. Escape my skin, oil stick and ink
I often feel defeated. I run from head, I run from my skin, always in fight or flight.
Dove - pencil on paper, sketch 7x10
I will smile. I may crack a joke but behind these eyes is a woman who is so tired that she just wants to put the covers over her head and cease to exist. Please, I don't want to do this anymore, let me go. I don't want to laugh with you anymore and I don't want to rise to the occasion anymore.
Just Like Her - 7 x 10, art journal
February 14th is his birthday, him, that boy who dared to take his own life and tear out the hearts of others. January 28th, I'm a hypocrite. There is no plan, no action I'm going to take it's just that it's heavy on my heart and I'm tired.
*** This is not an entry saying I'm going to kill myself. I know this subject is uncomfortable and it's scary but I will not manipulate nor will I ever write an entry saying I'm going to kill myself. I want to be very clear that I'm talking about feelings, not actions or a plan. Like I did before, I will walk in the hospital if I feel I am not able to remain 'safe' with my support system. Like every other subject, I am expressing and processing in a raw, unedited way. Journal entry titles will give a good idea of major topics discussed.
Not everything has gone as planned. Things changed very quickly with accusations flying when I requested 30 pain pills to last 90 days.
Let me start from the beginning. I saw Dr. Yes Wednesday evening. He wanted me to see a pain specialist. I said okay. I called the people Friday morning to talk about an appointment. When she started talking about therapy and injections and another MRI with this and that test I stopped her. I explained that I've been through all that many times with no real results. I said what I really need is a doctor who understands that there are going to be flares I need help getting out of. I said, the steroids, though horrible, do help me but there are also times when my pain level is getting out of control and I need to take the edge off. I said, that's why I'm requesting a script of 30 Vicodin every 90 days. Talking to Dr. Yes's office Friday morning took a nasty turn from there.
I showed a friend a photo of this painting and her first response was, wow, there’s a lot in there. She commented that there were images from corner to corner. I said, yeah, not a single corner left without a mark or image. I then added, it’s like a snapshot of my brain. That’s how the painting was named. A simple conversation brought forward the purpose of this painting. It is a private moment caught on canvas. It’s a snapshot of my mind.
In therapy a person is encouraged to find a healthy outlet for their anxiety. On occasion I need to do something physical to work it off, other times I just need to lie down alone in the quiet. More often than not I need to paint. I need to paint with no expectations, whatever comes out comes out and that is the final painting.
I realized this piece would be full of motion and colorful turmoil because anxiety fueled my brush. As a matter of fact, half of the painting was finished in one night, it took 4 days to complete the rest.
The last two days my brush moved with ease and more peacefully because the color purge was nearly complete. I’d worked off my anxiety and successfully used healthy coping skills.
This painting was primarily done while in bed. It's not the easiest thing to move around in a TLSO brace, but one learns to do the impossible when it's needed. So yes, the vast majority of the painting called Snapshot was created while in bed. Lupus and Fibromyalgia with other complications can often knock me off my feet, but with the help of friends I am able to regain my strength and continue in my occupation as an artist.
Title: Snapshot Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin Medium: Acrylic, ink, watercolor paper Size: 15 × 22 Finish: signed, unsealed, unmounted Style: Expressionism, Figurative
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After lightly spraying the surface of the paper, I laid on top two bags of Sweet and Spicy Tea. I then added blackberries and blueberries so that they could leave their mark on the surface. I allowed it to dry then added white watercolor paint to the surface. Small details were added such as the single bloom yellow flower and the small metallic dots below the fringe of her white, sketched shawl.
Art Title: Strawberry Kisses
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Medium: Watercolor, Tea, Blackberries, Blueberries,
Size: 6.5 x 4.5
Style: Modern, Whimsical
This sweet girl is currently available.
Thank you for visiting SUNDRIP - Art for Life
This painting started as pull art. I created a painting using the drip art technique then looked at it if for a few days. As I was walking by I saw an eye. I quickly drew it in, then the lips and the nose. Days later the painting developed into an ancient woman growing her roots, spreading out the lines of history in her hair.
Once I knew what I wanted to paint I began to think about how people talk about wanting a new start or reinventing themselves. It occurred to me that more than not, the choice to reinvent ourselves is thrust upon us. Time changes, other people change the course of our lives for good or bad. In these ways, we are given the opportunity to change ourselves for the better.
In this original art piece, the sky holds the largest number of flowers which float freely in a cloud of midnight blue, white and turquoise. The marriage of colors brings the story together of a little girl who was once told by her mother, "If you want roses out of life, plant a garden." She did.
Art Title: The Little Rose Girl
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Medium: Acrylic, gesso, crackle medium, heavy paper
Size: 6.5 x 4.5
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What's wrong with you?
I'm angry. Yup, I guessed that.
I'm wearing it like a blanket that I refuse to remove. What are you wearing under the blanket?
Skill. Love. Motivation. Ok, I wasn't expecting those things. I thought you were going to say exhaustion, vulnerability, etc.
If you ask me, those are the reasons I have chosen to keep the blanket on. Is it worth it?
My goodness, I'm so angry, and this depression feels like a garrote. I want to get up and eat dinner. I'd like a shower. What's stopping you?
I want to run my business and post art. I want to have my cat near instead of pushing her away. What's stopping you?
Listen, Faith, listen. Let's think about the last year, no, we're going back to the last 3 years. In the last 3 years you've had more physical pain than your mother put you through in the 20 years you lived with her. That is not an exaggeration. You have broken teeth from biting down so hard to endure what was happening to your body. During pain attacks your body responded in ways that the body responds when it is writhing. In those situations you've destroyed bedding, vomited on the cat and tore at your clothing as you screamed. You went mad Faith, like anyone else would. Do you understand that?