Today was another day where I had spasms. The pain gets so bad it frightens me. I want to run from it.
There's loneliness with pain. I'm not sure why but it's a lonely feeling to be in pain like that. It's even more odd when it's over and I'm out walking the dog as if nothing happened. It's strange. I mean, I slept hard after it but when I woke I got up and walked the dog as if I hadn't, hours before, gotten too close to crossing the line between sane and insane. I feel like I'll lose my mind. ...continue reading "Bad Day – We Make A Good Team"
My dreams weren't good but they didn't plague me. I laid in bed for a bit and watched a short lecture then got ready for therapy. We talked about how wonderful it's been to have my new buddy and how there's renewed courage to leave the house and go further than usual. I can't explain why a dog gives me that courage but he does.
We talked about the gift of sleep and how I can close my eyes and go to sleep without looking at the door fearing someone from my past will be standing there. It's not possible to stand in the doorway without Clyde letting me know. So I close my eyes and go to sleep....because I can.
The anxiety is still out of control with no real answer as to why. It's there, it's huge and it's not going anywhere soon. Dr. D and I went over a few things that could assist with managing it. We talked again about getting a stationary bike. I have to do something physical to relieve anxiety like this. Sometimes I just need to run from myself, get out of my skin and my head. I remember riding a bike back when I had a measure of health to do so. Man I miss it terribly. That's one of the best feelings ever. I know this bike will be stationary but my current need for it will be met because the motion of riding is what I seek. I figure since this is holiday time I can put one in the layaway at Walmart or something. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Managing Anxiety. Relief"
She nixed the Gabapentin and Cyclobenzaprine which no longer work for me and exchanged them for Lyrica and Zanaflex. I'm already on Cymbalta with Abilify. This is a combination I've not had before, one I really need to give some relief. I'd take a level pain 7 with no questions asked. If they could just get me to a 7. I know there are a few moderate potential problems with this mix but being in pain makes me willing to take the risk. I'm monitored very carefully.
I said this wasn't the doctor for me but we'll see. The first two appointments with her weren't promising but it's gotten better. She was pleased to see that I've lost 23 lbs since August. She was pleased to know I got Clyde and that we're walking daily. Today has been harder than usual because my left knee is swollen, so our walks aren't as far away from the house. We walk the courtyard several times which is a good leg stretch for us both. ...continue reading "Medications. GP Impression. Decompression."
We talked about how there's no reason on earth I shouldn't trust that I get to keep Sir Clyde for a very long time. We discussed anxiety and grief concerning Mary Jane and some guilt that I have another pet so early after her passing. It feels like I tried to replace her but as I've said (I just have to always remember it) Mary Jane helped me be able to give even more love to the next four-legged friend in this house. Clyde is here now and I look forward to spending a very long time with him.
A few pieces of anxiety artwork.
We talked about how I became so frustrated with someone who kept giving me way too much information when all I needed was a simple answer. My head was swimming in information that just confused me. Processing words seems complicated at times. The words stop 5 inches from my face and mean nothing to me. I get frustrated and shut down. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Trust. Guilt. Anxiety Art. Community"
A week ago a friend and I went snail and moss hunting. I didn't find a single snail but I did get great moss. There was moss down by the water but I didn't want to risk my life going where the best of it was so we just ohh and aaahed on shore.
The park closest to me has seen Sir Clyde and my face daily since he's been here. I feel more secure leaving the house with a dog at my side. I walked to the park when I didn't have a dog but it wasn't as relaxing. I had to force myself to go but that's not the case with a dog.
I've talked to Dr. D and to my old medical doctor about getting a dog for at least a year but a lot had to happen before I could do it. I had to know I could go up and down those stairs to take him out. I had to know I wouldn't be in the ER several times a month or be bed-bound like before. I needed to know I'd have the physical ability to care for him. I do. I'll be working my butt off putting dolls and paintings in my shop to pay for his day to day needs. ...continue reading "Courage with a Service Dog"
Why do women cry in the bathtub while drinking a glass of wine? Is that in our DNA?
I had a wonderful lavender bath. When I got out I put on my lavender oil and gave myself a foot massage with the oil. You couldn't tell me I wasn't sexy. I mean seriously, all that lavender, all that water, dreads drenched and hanging, yeah, there was a moment when I thought, you can't tell me I'm not sexy. Ha ha haaaa. lol. 🙂 It felt good to tell you the truth. Usually I feel like a beast but if you mix lavender oil and DIY lavender bath bombs together you get a supple woman with a case of confidence. Like wow!
I refused to cry in my beautiful bath water. I refused. I wanted to but instead I laid back, used my loofah, sipped wine and enjoyed the flicker of a pear and sage candle. I thought to myself, this is how you live....this...is....how...you....live! ...continue reading "No tears. The page has turned."
I'm really blown away at how well this works for me. I figured it would but I hadn't had the chance to see it in action.
Clyde as a service animals for Chronic Sympathetic Reflex Dystrophy aka CRSD is going well. Of course he's only been on the job a few days but in those few days he's been spot on. The last two nights my legs spasmed so badly that I was screaming out. I don't intend to scream but it happens. The spasms go from my hip area to my knees. I've described this before like birth contractions. It's like I'm giving birth to a full size Shaquille O'Neal. So yeah, it makes me scream. However, I now have a new tool to assist with this pain. I am able to have Clyde lay on my legs, add his 60 pounds of pressure and body heat and help bring my pain level down to its baseline. ...continue reading "Amazed and Grateful"