The video is a quickly thrown together sound bite with several art pieces that fit the topic. Death of my brother as well as sexual abuse, suicidal ideation and self harm (cutting) are discussed along side art stills. Close to the end of the video one photo of a box of crayons is seen for several seconds, then the video ends. That crayon photograph marks a detailed discussion of first being abused.
Life without Crayons
No coloring books
No cousin to first touch as I held gray
to fill in a cat who chased
but never caught the mouse.
No crayons would mean no dowel rods on my three year old body because
liberties were taken.
Life without crayons would never ask if
dowel rods broke before my mind had to.
Life did change that day. She saw me differently. Whatever she didn’t beat out of me that day made her violently mad until I left home.
Each year I try to set a goal to work on life upgrades. I’ve set creative goals for 2017 (found on the sidebar) and I’ve set goals for therapy (on the side bar). One goal is to speak more kindly to myself; control my tendency for self-deprecation. I’m going to continue one of last years goals which is to improve my communication skills by not being so dogmatic and being able to listen to hear instead of listen to respond. Those goals don’t scare me nearly as much as the third which is to take steps in to ease my fear of water. It’s a complicated fear though. It’s PTSD and OCD wrapped together which makes a nasty little package.
It’s difficult to take a shower, harder to take a bath but once I’m in there I’m okay with the water but the OCD takes over and I’m ready to get the heck out of there. I’ve showered with the lights off and filled the room with enough lavender to cause sinus combustion. Washing the dishes is difficult because I can’t stand the water. I will not wash anything with chocolate on it. I hate red sauces on pans and cups. I just walk away from it. I changed my cooking ware to stuff that lets food slip right off it so I don’t have to see browns or reds. I got gloves at one point and closed my eyes. I’ve tried several things to get my dishes washed.
The short video about Scott Hamilton’s 3rd brain tumor is a very inspiring one . There’s one line in it that is so validating for me. First, I’m one who automatically thinks people aren’t going to believe that I could possibly have all this wrong with one body. Despite the open, raw blogging for years of progression and slowing of symptoms, I still worry about being disbelieved. From time to time I get a reader who challenges me but I dismiss them. Even so, it’s a very destructive experience. As an abuse survivor who was successfully conditioned to believe that no one will believe me, I still find it hard think anyone will. So I all but leap for joy and am validate when I hear quotes like the one from Mr. Hamilton who said, “I have a unique hobby of collecting life-threatening illness.” Yeah, it happens doesn’t it? He’s survived things others haven’t. What’s more, he’s active in life and he wants to live.
The theme of wanting to live and living may pop up quite a bit in various forms on Sundrip because I’ve dedicated this year to truly breaking out of the old. I truly desire to smash old records, to repair the way I feel about my torn skin, to speak to myself kindly and to live life well. My personal idea of living life well is to live it simply. The biggest obstacle to this goal is my attitude and the stress of PTSD. Continue reading →
Other than the fact that the character in the film killed someone, this is the closest visual I’ve seen of the disorder Dissociative Identity Disorder aka Multiple Personality Disorder. Several years ago I brought this in to my therapist to see. He felt also that it’s very, very close to the disorder.
Look at how each person behaves and ask yourself, how much of this has shown up on this blog? Everything from the little girl to the paranoia to the anger and fear. There’s embarrassment for the chaos and a strong anxious force that drives us. This shows my experience very well …. except for the fact that he’s in the hospital because he killed someone.
I’ve always said I’m not a risk taker but I can’t say that anymore. 1 ) I take strong pharmaceuticals and 2) I’m meeting my Aunty S for coffee come Wednesday.
I’d considered it for awhile but wasn’t sure if I should say something. I got an immediate yes. Next week is a good week for this.
At first I thought, okay, she’s only coming to pick me up, she’s not coming in MY HOUSE. It felt as though her walking in would make her a permanent presence in my home. That isn’t true. I may have flashbacks (they’ve already started) and I may have anxiety (that’s already started) but when she physically leaves my home there is nothing she leaves behind.
What am I looking for by taking this risk to get to know my aunt a little better?
Connection to a family member who has had the sobering truth of her mortality.
A foot in the door with my sister.
The messages and the names as an assault on my person are not true. I want to show myself dignified, alive, willing to exist outside of that maternal bloodline of abusers. I was told I couldn’t live without my mother. I was told I’d fail. I’d be raped. I’d be a target for misuse. I’d be taken away and she’d never get to me. I’d fail. Well, guess whose going for coffee? A live, living, goal oriented woman living independently as her situation allows. I am penniless. I am in poor health. I have mental health issues. I have hope.
I was cleaning my computer files and ran across a video which prompted me to create another. It’s short. I talk about my head not feeling right and that if my emotions have color then they’d be turquoise being pushed down by white. The turquoise would press down on red, tear at it, shred it. It felt heavy in the pit of my stomach as I spoke to the pc camera. I had a day that started off rough but ended fine. As explained in the comment section, this is not a professional video. I rock back and forth, I look up and down and I talk, period. I tried to use the tools on YouTube to help the video look better but I’m not so sure it’s any better.
I did a few photos of my feet since they’re really bothering me right now. It’s difficult to walk. If I try to bend the right foot it feels as if the skin will tear. It’s hot, red and puffy all the way above my knee. I see Dr. R on the 20th about it. Continue reading →
As some know, this body of mine dictates if I will move or lie still. Due to a permanent nerve injury to my right arm, I can be limited in action, including holding a tea cup, a cane, paintbrush and pen. In addition, my eyes are growing dim. Strength in several areas of my upper and lower body have deteriorated. Even so, I have one other activity to discuss in which I participate.
I’ve mentioned my love for yoga but in private settings I’ve spoken more. I love contemporary and lyrical dance. I am my own dancer. I have set music that I do yoga stretches to. From there I began to move free-form. Once I realized I’d tapped into something deep in my bones I began to wear a free flowing skirt. I removed the toe from medical compression stocking and moved about joyfully. What do I enjoy? The feminine movements, turning yoga into a dance and doing so not in sweatpants and workout clothes, but in a flowing skirt with “dancers feet” (black compression hose). Sometimes my hair is down but other times the dreadlocks are in a headdress.
In this video, followed by a comment to the choreographer, you can see this style of contemporary dance and lyrical dance. Continue reading →
Ah yes, another Sundrip video but this time it’s not a silent art slide show, its a full length walk through of my new home studio – with sound. Let me tell you something about making videos, make sure that when you do you’re 100% ready. From the hip is great but, I had to shoot this video twice because in the first one I wasn’t wearing pants. No one would have none that ‘cept I passed two mirrors. Yeah, not good. That’s not the type of video I was trying to make soooooo, I rearranged a few things, moved some personal items and put on pants. Imagine my shock when I went to look at the video and saw the ‘issue’. Oh crap! So, I shot it again, this time fully clad and ready to shoot an unprofessional look inside the new Sundrip studio.