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I finished her! Yay!
She looks a lot different from the last post. What a difference a few hours can make.
The Little More Girl - available

The Little More Girl has more hope and more ways to grow than she ever realized.

I think part of my happy clap is the frog green dress she's wearing. I also do a happy clap for pink and purple. Add all three and I'm thrilled to bits. ...continue reading "The Little More Girl"

I tend to work on many pieces at one time, including this little one here.  She was created by scribbling loops on the page, erasing in areas then connecting lines to picture this little girl. The other drawing in this entry was created by the same process of  loops, lines and pearls.

The Little More Girl

Sketchbook art in watercolor.

She grew up with more than Lupus. She grew up with the ability to imagine and do more than anyone thought she could.

Scribble art: loops, lines and pearlsIf I became too annoyed with myself concerning my lack of focus and the many half started paintings, I'd be too discouraged to finish anything. I'm going with the flow. I put a few more lines to one drawing then work with another. I add paint to one piece then add the last thing, my signature.

I sometimes assembly line work with one color. I lay out 4 or 5 paintings and add the color to each. I let them dry then do the same thing to the next batch.

My way of working can be frustrates me. I think I'm not getting anywhere, that is until I put the finishing touches on 5 art pieces in one day. That's when I realize my focus is off a bit and I feel scattered, but I'm still finishing artwork. Recently, finishing art has taken longer but I'm willing to accept that too, especially since I am finishing art. I have four sketch journals I could think of as failed finishes or a head start to the finish line. I choose the latter.

Faith

9/22/17-9:13 pm EST

Guess what was bartered today? Guess who gets a new home? Red Balloon! Good choice.

Sam's Red Balloon - SOLD

The African American boy with blue accents around his eyes stands tall in front of a rainbow background. There's a faint show of a crown of small, round lights circling young Sam's head. Open the detailed image and look closely, you'll see it.
Sam's crownYour light is still there, even if other's can't readily see it. So when it glows only above your head just remember, your light shines to guide you, not others.

Art Title: Sam's Red Balloon
Size: 8.5 x 5.5
Media: watercolor, 98 lb paper
Finish: unsealed, unmounted
Style: African Americana, Black Folk

They said if I wear this little patch it'll help; it does.
Hope - My Face My Art

My Face My Art - The invisible illness becomes visible.
It's as clear as the art on my face.

The three art pieces used in this addition of "My Face My Art" are: (drum roll please) ...continue reading "Hope and Art"

Content: Discussion of child torture and sexual abuse, the affects of emotional abuse, feeling hated during violent abuse, dental appointment

Species Yesterday the dentist used a very triggering phrase, 'open your mouth wide and keep it open.' I did but I couldn't keep my head together. I just lost it. I was in the chair feeling so small. In my head I thought, you let her do it. You were too scared to say no so you opened your mouth and you let her hurt you. The woman standing above me repeatedly changed from dentist to my mother. I see myself as nothing, just nothing.

The mother stopped sometimes and I could see her eyes. there was no smile, just the face of someone that seemed so big and so fierce that I let her do whatever she wanted, even when it was excruciating. ...continue reading "Taking off her mask. The branded child."

3

Content: Physical abuse and torture.

It took a bit for Robert to come out and talk to Dr. D. Robert and a little one kept switching places while trying to give away some of the details of what we went through.
Robert: I did all the hard stuff.
Dr. D: What do you mean?
Robert: If it hurt too much for the others then I had to do it.
Dr. D: Do you want to tell me more?
Robert: I want to tell you what she did to us.

I want to tell you what she did to us. That sentence had powerful meaning but I can't seem to explain myself. I've tried for a bit to explain why that sentence is important but I've deleted and started more times than I can count. It was almost like he needed to free himself of it.

I could see myself sitting there. I was squirming, wincing, wringing my hands. I painted as I spoke to him. Painting in session helps me focus better and gives someplace for extra anxiety to go.

In session painting using watercolor.

in session

Robert recounted one of the times the mother beat our lips with a wide tooth comb. She put me across her lap, held on to the handle of the comb and beat my lips.

Side 1 is below. Side 2 isn't complete.

in session

I had to make sure not to open my mouth because she'd hit my teeth and gums or somewhere else on my face. I lay there, in her lap. I wouldn't dare move. I was afraid of her. When she was done I'd get up and go to my room. I don't remember what I'd do after that.

I don't remember why the mother did that to me. She didn't do it often. I don't remember her doing that past the 4th grade.

We talked about a picture I drew that symbolized my mother but I'll have to write about that later. I'm going to sleep now.

I took Earl Grey with lavender to therapy. One time there was a soft scent of lavender that passed in front of my face and sort of got me grounded again. I liked that.

My head hasn't been right for the last few days. I want to suck my thumb. I want to get in the fetal position and cover my head. I want to glide a razor across my skin but I haven't. I've chosen to create instead.

I was able to get the new Abilify script filled and will start it tomorrow morning.

Robert

3

I'm still on the hunt for a psychiatrist for better med management. I'm using a few different resources to manage the depression and anxiety now, one resource being art.

I doodle because it makes me happy. I doodle because I'm anxious. I doodle because I'm bored. I'm a doodle bug.

These were done while in bed. Some are in my art journal while others are in altered art books.

It's been difficult to move around so I've stayed close to my the bed. The watercolor pens pen is so helpful. I can move beyond colored pencils and crayons. I still use those but I like having watercolors, too. ...continue reading "Doodle. Art and Anxiety. Creative Endeavors."

Content: Self image. Sexual abuse w/ frank speech at times. Discussion of the mother forcing a gender role for the purpose of abuse, hatred of men, degrading women, the mother's sexuality. It's a heavy entry, one difficult to write.

Page 2 of Miss Eyes I Want to Be UsefulWe  started off going over art pieces in my sketchbook. We talked about which color I've used most and changes in how I depict figures. One art piece not posted was drawn to signify how pervasive sexual abuse was in most aspects of my young life.

Dr. D asked why I add heavy markings below the eyes. I said its all about color significance and my own symbolism. (see art therapy gallery) When I put blue under the eyes I'm trying to say that no matter what I'm going through or how negative I feel about myself, I understand on a different level that these thoughts are based on lies.  I'm able to better see that my self image isn't based on reality but abuses as a youth and young adult. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Identity. Gender. The Mother’s Sexuality"

3

Sam's Red Balloon I recently purchased a pallet box to hold more watercolors. In one area I selected

colors based on what I use most but on the other side I put colors I need more work with. For the most part, I enjoy watercolors but at times I swear it off saying I'll never, ever try this media again.

There was a mishap that took place that required damage control. You know those water paint pens? Well, see, no one told me I was supposed to put only water in there. I thought I was to fill the barrel with ink or paint so that's what I did. Later on I saw in blog entries that they were not used that way. I tried to clean them up as well as possible but it didn't turn out so great. I was able to clean and save one barrel but all the brush tops. ...continue reading "Sam’s Red Balloon and the Great Pen Incident"

I've rested a bit. I've done some reading and spent time with friends. I've managed a few sketches in my notebook and decided to snap a few shots 🙂

Half of Whole

These are two page sketchbook drawing using watercolor and colored pencil. Both have a lot of color but the one just below in grayscale was created with rich earth tones.

Hue Rich Depleted

This is the sketch at the opening of the entry with a PicsArt filter.

Half of Whole Reversed

Though yesterday was physically painful, it wasn't anywhere close to the emotional and physical pain of Monday. Today continues to be quiet. I intend to do very light housekeeping and to study a little bit for a meeting on Wednesday.

A small dinner is in the convection oven that automatically turns itself off. I'm having a pork chop and green beans with potatoes. I also have a tiny little dessert made primarily of ladyfingers, heavy whipping cream, a tad bit of cocoa and amaretto.

...continue reading "Art and Laying Around"

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