My mother has not died.
She doesn’t hold the same sway over my sister as she once did.
My sister has allowed me to take steps to reconcile with her. It’s strange really, to think I’d on some level have a sister willing to notice “peace offerings” left at her door. I have this image of a banished wolf trying to reunite with the pack by brief acts of submission and bits of meat to win a place back in the pack. My sister and I are not wild animals, nor are we enemies. We are strangers kidnapped from safety, removed from normal familial interactions, and turned against one another. My escape preceeded hers.
Life is insane. It’s insane.
I listen to Snow and Betty reminisce and bemoan. I am so jealous for it. I too want to grow old with my sister. I want to ask if she has plans for old age. I do. How does she feel about grey hair? I thought I was fine with it until one day I looked in the mirror and saw a tuft of grey dead in the center of my head at the brow line. It was as if it came up over night. I flipped out. After a few tears I shook it off then nicknamed the tuft “my gray center”. The longest strand belongs to my nemesis aka the wrecker.
I am on shaky ground. I could be setting myself up for disaster yet I keep moving forward because I can’t stand having zero family, none at all. It is so painful. I may be in line for more pain. On the other hand the fact that she didn’t outright reject me may indicate her own feelings of isolation.
I’m not a masochist which is why I don’t have contact with my mother. But I do need and want what I’ve always needed and wanted – my big sister.
What does 20 years of separation get a person?
Who is she now? Outside of my mother’s presence, who is she? I’m slowly introducing myself to her.
I’ll tell ya, 10 years ago I wouldn’t have considered this. Fifteen years ago I came to understand why she hated me and why I bent over backwards for her. Go to 2010 and I could confront that anger. Arrive at 2015 and I face the bone breaking need to choose to let it go. Did I just say that?
I feel the need to protect that statement. Let’s say I’m on the side of the road walking, it’s hot, I’m tired. I’ve been walking awhile. From a distance I see a car moving toward me. I walk in the road and wave my hands like a stranded, needy person would. My next move depends on what the driver of the car does. If she excellirates I get out of the road. If she slows down then we go from there. In other words, I’m not going to get mowed over but I need…. need…. this opportunity to see who we are as people separated for the most of twenty years.