My emotions are raw.

UPDATE – A positive update hasn’t been written yet. Please remember that my emotions are all over the place as I come off of Percocet 10-325mg for a legitimate health issue. I’m spent.

This is true – he said that fms is a chemical response. That is a true statement. FMS is a chemical embalance. I have known that for a good long time but how dare I say it with just a city college education? Doctors don’t listen to each other let alone me.

Fear causes a chemical response. Depression, joy, arousal, pain. The body has to process these chemicals correctly or you are screwed. That’s a very simplistic way to explain it. When he said it to me I about fell over because I’ve believed it for a long time. PTSD can jack up your adrenal system something fierce because of the flood of adrenaline all the time. The body was never meant to be abused, especially by its own chemical make up and system of nerves. 

True – I don’t desire to see you at all. You took me off percocet 10’s cold turkey. I’m losing my mind. My skin is crawling! My body is seizing, my emotions are everywhere. I’m angry. I’m so angry!

Raw – He didn’t just say he could help me, he said he can cure me. He wants me to do a barbaric surgery and medical weight-loss. I’m not sure what that means, medical weight-loss.

This is wrong. I can’t show up to the hospital daily then go to Planet Fitness to work out.
This isn’t for me. This isn’t right. He says he needs to get a handle on the FMS before anything else…..anything else like Spinal Stenosis and other things. He didn’t look at my records or anything but he wrote down that I’m 44 then said, you’re too young for arthritis.
This isn’t for me.

True – There are words that want to come out of my mouth that no longer fit who I am. But one thing I am is sick and tired of being passed from jerk to jerk in a desperate state. I’m not doing this! Five days a week with $2 a day then $10 a month for planet fitness for the girl who only shops at a hand full of stores and can’t stand the sound of a can scraping off the metal shelf. I can heat the box of cereal scrape the shelf and hit the cart. Every child’s cry, etc every wheel on the carts, conversations, everything at one time and you think I’m going to go across town to some fitness center – YOU’RE DREAMING.

Raw – I want to be able to get better. Today I had a memory in therapy about my dad putting lotion on my legs and messaging them because they hurt so badly. I can’t remember his face, I was in too much pain to see it.

One lady at the hospital is said to be a drill Sargent while the other is a small, soft spoken woman. I’m not a soldier! I used to be when I lived in my mother’s house, but I am a free woman now.

I don’t want to go to this place!! This isn’t the one for me.


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