I’ve been waiting for a red  dot to show up on Facebook saying I have a message. There’s nothing. It breaks my heart. Have you ever wanted something so badly, that you would sacrifice yourself just to get it. I know I was doing that. I just wanted my sister is all. It’s been several weeks now and I’ve heard nothing, not a thing, not a response, not a post in response to my posts, nothing. Is that the answer? If not, how long should one hold out hope for acknowledgement from a person who has consistently denied it?

This is odd, perhaps extreme. I feel as if she was just a huge leach who needs blood, , and if she would recognize me, acknowledge me, I hand over my vain. That is extreme. I would never ever allow myself to feel the way that I did when I was little. That will never happen again. No matter how much I love a person, no matter how much I feel like I need a person, I will not trade myself.

What I think I want I don’t need. I love her. She’s my sister.  To love your sibling that much seems easy. The hard part is when they can’t or won’t love you back. I don’t want to let her go. I don’t want to believe that there is no way on earth my sister will love me. That look on her face of disgust when she sees me. Enough. Enough. She has offered no new memories to replace the old. I’ll figure out how to let go and will be better for it. I can do this. I’ve managed more difficulties that wrestling with the fantasy that my sister may one day see my real face through the haze of disgust and the milliseconds that pass as she scurries anywhere I’m not.

Jordan River

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