It’s 5:05am. I’m back in from walking outside. I took the trash out too. This is bad. I was going into full body spasms again. Big time  paranoid, head 100 mph. I took the patch off and took pain meds. I went outside and walked as fast as I could. I am steady when I’m not so medicated. I walked for only 15 min or so. There’s a cop that stays at the park.

I can’t do this at home unsupervised.

As I walked I could feel my body start to cramp, not seize, but cramp. Then a tiny rain drop hit my nose. Ah, there’s a big PART of the problem, the barometric pressure changed. Part of me wishes it would never rain again. But then we’d miss the smell of water on earth. We’d miss how soft it can land on our noses. :-).

I didn’t fail. I didn’t. I just need more help than I have with ridding my body of the substance that won’t even let me walk down the stairs safely.

You should see me a few days without the pain meds. My sleep is zero, anxiety high, but my pain is “better”  and, ….. I can walk! …. I can walk! I loved walking trails, backpacking, riding a bike. For now I’ll gladly take the giant step of one foot in front of the other without falling on my face. Falling on your face all the time will give a girl a complex.

I walk in the hospital the 29th for treatment of Lupus. I’ll arrive in a cab with no insurance copay. I want treatment for the Lupus but I also need more help with the horrible withdrawal symptoms of medications “they said” were safe.

Written December 25th, 2015 / 6:08am est

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