Too many , so many, ultimately you

I’ve been trying for awhile to connect with my sister again. After today, I have one sentence go through my head. It’s echoing. Who is my sister? Who is my sister? Who is my sister? WHERE IS MY MOTHER! My mother has dementia associated with diabetes. She can’t care for herself. I can’t take care of her but she has the resources to be well cared for. Let my sister do what she will.

I am baffled. I don’t even know what to say. Who are you? I remember the cold sister who has never been in the habit of calling me by any name, one who helped strip me of me. I remember so little good about the girl I thought hung the moon. She was smarter than she was ever given credit for being. She was not stupid, not even close. She could sew like nobody’s business. She looked like a kid straight out of 17 magazine.

What I remember of my sister in a positive light could not fill a sheet of paper, but other than some specifics, I couldn’t fill a sheet with bad either. Too much time  passed flying on to the “big sister is great” cloud. Too much time has passed no longer keeping crimes directly in front of my face so I could see how to move on.

I want to say that she could have left home. She could have married that good man who loved her. She could have….. maybe. I want to give the speech about how we all have choices and have to be responsible, blah, blah, blah!!! I won’t, because some of us didn’t have a chance. Some of us spent our youth dead, moving only when told to move, being molded to serve. Some of us didn’t have a chance which means the speech about “you could have, should have” does not apply.

I have asked and have been given the answer concerning my sister. I have one last question. WHERE IS MY MOTHER? If she believes I’ll stop short before finding that answer well then, she doesn’t know me.

I would not give up on my sister. I am disappointed. I’m angry at our situation. I’m angry at all the times we could have been helped but were not. I’m angry and saddened, but I am not the person that family said I was. I am not.

I will not visit with my mother. I will not try to connect with her or build a relationship, but I will make certain she is cared for properly. What I have to do right now is wait, don’t jump the gun.


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