The main issue is me. I’m still alive when I wasn’t supposed be. I’m sorry but, I’m struggling with that, with how close I came to not being here. I’m struggling with surviving. Some might think a sigh of relief is in order. On one hand there is but the other side of the coin is that I’m still here. I still have Lupus and I still hurt. A big part of me knows there is a part of light I have yet to grab. There is something I’ve not done that I long to accomplish before I die. It is something not someone. I need to grab hold of this, just let me do this, then let me go.

The issue with Betty / Momma is a non-issue. It was a bad day for both of us. She didn’t feel well and I was very dissociative. There is a difference between a bad day with clashing and an issue. She and I had a bad day.

My biological sister and biological mother – that is a temporary issue. I’m mad as all get out about that. It’s a different kind of anger though. It’s the kind that lifts me off my feet to correct, verify and rock the boat a bit. There is woman, a used to be psychopath who is now an aged dementia patient. She is my biological mother, and I will be told where she is. If she at one time wrote legally that I not have information about her care then I need to see that document. I want clear information from a trusted source.

You know what’s interesting? Since my aunt’s death January 15th, 2015, very few family members have kept up their Facebook pages. At first they did, never mentioning her death. No link to her 3 sentence obituary. Yes, she was an abuser and she was a horrible person, a horrible, horrible person…. but dang. The indignity of it was deserved, but how hypocritical can you be? It was as if they threw her corpse in the ashes and walked away. How much of the story do I not know because it’s life outside of Facebook and a 3 sentence obituary? Why does this bother me so much?

My grandmother recently updated her page. One aunt has very little on her page. The surviving daughter hasn’t skipped a beat. I don’t blame her. My aunty S is trying to sell the deceased aunt’s bed for 2 grand. The photo of the bed is incredible. It is so aunty P. It’s over the top lavish with a splash of cheap.

I choose to un subscribe from their issues.

I am no holier than thou. To think so is laughable. I’m in therapy and that’s the only reason I feel strong enough to actively seek information on my abusers welfare. Where is she? Is she well taken care of?

Those two questions are one sentence shy of her sister’s obituary. After having those two questions answered, I’d like to unsubscribe from her issues.


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