In the dream my sister, mother and I were leaving a hotel. I had Captain on a leash beside me but he broke free, ran to catch up with my sister then jumped on her back. He mounted her but didn’t penetrate. He did, however, leave a disgusting trail across her back. I remember thinking it was disgusting but well deserved.

Sex was a weapon, always.

The dream continued with my mother stepping in to put a potato sack on my sister’s head. The mother was angry about what the sister “allowed” the dog to do on her back. The mother knocked her to the ground by the car, took a large rock and beat my sister in the head. She then looked for a larger rock, pressed it down with her knee and attempted to break her skull. When she couldn’t, she dragged her head under the wheel of the car. I woke after that.


Dr D’s response was, “WOW”……. I agree. I would like to write that there’s a lot of anger directed at the sister but that view wasn’t realized until later when processing with my therapist. I first noticed that I was once again watching extreme violence and out of control behavior. I wanted to hear her head crack. I didn’t want her dead, but I wanted to hear her head crack. My sister had been ignoring me again. She refused to call me by my name or any name. If she acknowledged me at all she’d just start talking. I wasn’t anything to her. She turned her back to me, walked away and left me standing there as a nobody. I didn’t demand that she look at me, speak to me, call me by my name. I “let” her treat me that way.

In the dream the person as my sister may also be my general practitioner.

I clearly understand the dog’s reference of degrading her. All sex was used as a weapon.

Current Emotions

Guilt. I was so angry about being dismissed, ignored and degraded by the sister. That was it, that moment was the last time she’d treat me like I’m nothing and walk away. Anger. Rage. Anguish. Confused by her actions as a child. I always thought she was so sneaky but I still thought the world of her. I don’t want to see her in black and white. I don’t think I do. I’m just very angry right now. I started this entry 6 hours ago. I had to lay down and go to sleep. Six hours later I still have conflicting feelings. I’m also interested in why I didn’t see the amount of violence inflicted on one person but instead considered my victim status, watching her get her head cracked. I have a feeling some of the lack of empathy for the sister has to do with identifying with the aggressor. The mother was angry because the sister “let” my dog hump her back. I watched her “let” my mother put a sack over her head. She “let” my mother beat her and try to crack her skull. She “could have” fought back…..

Neither one of us ever fought back. We were both afraid.


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