Dr. D and I talked about how I have a general practitioner who kind of reminds me of my sister. He acts like he doesn’t even want to be in the room. The last time I saw him I was there about 5 min. When I came out Momma (Betty) stood up and said, “What’s wrong?” I said, “It was a wham bam thank you ma’am kinda visit”. He didn’t look at me. He walked to the computer, had his back to me, asked me why I was there, signed a sheet of paper and sent me over to a orthopedic surgeon. Dr. D said, maybe he’s like that with all his patients. I said, I heard he is, but I’m not talking about all his patients, I’m talking about me. He interrupts me while I’m talking, etc, etc, etc.
While talking to Dr. D I said that I’m afraid of him, of most people. I’m emotional. I cry. I’m shaking on that table. Fully clothed, shaking. And now I think to myself, maybe that’s why he doesn’t touch me that often. Maybe that’s why he stands across the room.
Last time though, he shocked me. He was examining my shoulder and instead of asking me to move my hair back, that no good so-in-so flipped my dreads out of the way. Oh heck no!! I know you didn’t!!! Ok. Do not…ever…touch….the dreads!! That should not happen tomorrow cause I have a feeling the Jordan will dry up and I will get ghetto. Oh…huh uh, I know you didn’t. My neck will start moving, one hand will face him sort of limp like and ghetto Jordan will make a stand!
Anyway, dreadlocks aside, I told Dr. D, I’m not like Joan or Destiny. I’m not strong like they were. I cry easily. I feel like a cracked windshield, just a little more pressure and I’m going to shatter. I feel like my ability to handle life outside this house is minimal. Life inside managed by me is half way decent. Truthfully, Morton is out most of the time. He goes to services, he studies the Bible with Snow. Morton cooks, cleans and pays the bills. It feels as though the world is huge. I just want to let Morton handle it. Only I think our life is too much for just one of us to manage. I would like to think Morton needs me. I love the answer I got. I appreciate it. Who would have thought that Morton would be the primary personality, the one that handles day to day issues and is out the most?
I don’t do my own laundry, nor do I do my own shopping. Momma does the laundry every 2 weeks and Snow does the grocery shopping every two weeks. I go when I have to. I used to feel really bad about that but it does allow me to preserve energy for doctor appointments outside the house, for cooking my own meals, showering daily, cleaning my own home, studying and making the mid week service. That was a run on sentence. lol. I’m happy I don’t have a home nurse or CNA’s anymore. Man was that stressful. Friends have taken the two biggest jobs off my shoulders and that helps a great deal. With this patch I’m able to get outside and walk off some of this anxiety, that is if the weather allows it.
Mother issues: I have passed to council the issue with my mother. I like that it will be done peacefully. Despite dreams, I have no desire to cause upset. I just want to know where she is and that she’s okay.
With the mother issues in safe hands, I can try and focus on stabilizing my working relationship with my general practitioner. I also need to find transportation to see Dr. D weekly. I have a lead on that and should hear back soon.
Life issues can pile up so quickly and become overwhelming. Despite the loneliness that is felt when a person has chronic pain, I know I’m not alone. I’m not by myself emotionally or spiritually.
There are very few people in my life that know I have multiple personality disorder (dissociative identity disorder). Those that do, understand I may not always be who they expect to see and I may not recognize them. I’m really good as acting like I know who they are even if I don’t. No one that knows is afraid of me or has used it against me. They have taken this roller coaster ride with me willingly; I’m so grateful for it.