Right now I’m rather tired, it’s been a very long day. My uvula swelled, got long and began choking me.
It’s funny, I had harsh thoughts about my mother’s COPD but today I was the one who could not breath. My throat and uvula swelled twice, and twice I was rather alarmed when I could not breath.
I’m home from the hospital now and I’m in bed. I’ve got more meds to take. In addition to medication I have a different perspective concerning personally passing down judgemental for crimes committed against me.
I’m not going to go as far as to say I’m happy I had another issue with angioadema. I’m not going to say the inability to breathe was a good thing. It wasn’t, but the timing happens to be close to when I said my mother deserves to fight hard for air and get very little. I choose to learn from my medical condition which reared its ugly head.
One of the things that sticks in my head and gains in understanding with the years, is that I personally don’t have the right to desire that another human being suffer.
Let me be very clear. I’m speaking only of my experiences, of my history and of my abusers. I also want to be clear when I say, what took place in her home, her mother’s home and under the roof of all her sister’s should have resulted in long prison sentences for all of them. However, we all know that people of this sort hardly get any time because justice through a court system that values children has yet to be seen.
Weather or not she deserved to face justice isn’t the issue, the issue is – should I feel her illnesses are deserved because of what she did and allowed? I thought I wanted her to suffer. I wanted her breath taken because of the many times I nearly died and suffered at her hands.
I know anger is justified. I know having a range of emotions concerning her is normal. But, I feel it is destructive to me to wish that she suffer in a way that pays for a court day never seen.
I may look similar to my mother and her sisters. I may use phrases they used, but I’m not them. The way I felt today I do not desire my mother to feel. I said I don’t want her to be afraid, or for there to be an increase in paranoia with Alzheimer’s, but it was ok to struggle to breathe and have that fear. No, it’s not. I’m not ok with her being in pain physically or mentally.
Does this mean she gets away with what she did to her children? I do not believe she’s gotten away with anything.
Lastly, I don’t think her bad health is a punishment from God. Is my bad health a punishment from God? No. It’s not. It’s life. It just is.
I may not be able to fully control what my body does, but I am still able and determined to accept life lessons however they are presented.