I’m still struggling with the depression but I’m actively fighting it now.

I’m emotional. I’m raw and my fuse can be very short. It gets old apologizing for it, but I will because when the problem is me, it’s me. I’m emotional, sometimes impulsive, opinionated and currently menopausal making me an even greater emotional mess. I feel strong sometimes and other times I feel as if I can’t take another step. To ask it is cruel. I sometimes feel helpless and hopeless, defeated. I also feel a tiny little spark that wants to keep going. I don’t have to guess as what my goal is while alive. I just need to stay alive long enough to meet that goal.

This depressive state and feelings of hopelessness are ones I have to actively throw off me. Yesterday I looked up several positive survivor stories where the person kept going despite feeling they had nothing but a tiny spark, if that. I need a little bit of flame for my spark. I need to throw off this depression because its so heavy.

One of the other things I’m doing is trying to stay out of my bedroom. My art studio is the other half of my room so I do need to be in there, but I don’t want to live there like I did when I was almost totally bed bound. It was a hospital room. It’s the room I was in when all I did was vomit, when all I did was cry and scream because my body would spasm and let go, spasm and let go. The light in there is different as well. I’ve got great windows in the living room and dining room. I love my windows. This spring the bedroom furniture will be adjusted, curtains changed out and the walls washed down. My feelings for the bedroom need to be washed away.

The furniture in the living room has been moved so  I can sit watching the fish at night with my candles and tea, wine or brandy. There’s an area arranged so I can paint facing the windows, facing outside. I can see my plants and Mary Jane can sit in the window and threaten the birds that fly by.

The other thing that I’m doing to try to throw off this depression is to add background noise in the apartment. Man that’s a new one for me. I don’t have a radio or television because I don’t want it, but right now I realize there’s a need to break the silence. In silence I’m with my racing and confused thoughts. I’ve got to break that up. I don’t keep music on at all times because I just can’t stand the stimulation. I love acoustic guitar and piano compositions. I’m huge on classical music, but I have to be careful of the overly moody arrangements.

I stay in contact with friends and have more company than usual. Yesterday was a great example of a good day. I laughed with Snow about dolphin’s sexually assaulting humans in the water. After she left a second friend came by. She’s in as bad as health as I am, only 20 years younger. By that time it was dark so I had the small light over the fish tank on as well as three small candles. It was nice and it was time for tea so we sipped and chatted a bit. The next and final phase of the evening came when the bell on the oven rang. That was our cue for pizza, wine and Le Mis.

I’m actively working to lighten the burden of depression.

Seriously though, dolphins are jerks. They have been known to become sexually aggressive with humans in the open water as well as in water arenas. While Flipper is swimming backwards on his tail you’ve got no idea what he’s chattering about. Yeah, a dolphin might save you from a shark attack, but what he does before you get to land is a whole different story…… one that made Snow and I laugh until we cried. I don’t think I could come back from getting humped on by a dolphin. There’s no amount of medication or therapy to come back from that.


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