The task was put to me to take a photo of myself monthly. By doing so I could see what I really look like as opposed to how I think I look. I feel like a slob. I feel disgusting and embarrassed to be seen. I feel ugly.

Any compliment goes in one ear and out of the other.

Lately I’ve treated myself the way I feel about myself which isn’t good. I didn’t take a photo last month either. When I had to do steroid treatments again I felt like, what’s the point of trying to lose weight when I end up on steroids and gain double what I lost?

Besides weight issue I seem to struggle with keeping up with the basics. I know I have chronic illnesses, what I don’t know is what part of the medical trauma I’ll fight on a given day. I feel like a boxer. Some days it feels like I was in the ring up to round three then I climbed down and managed the rest of the day. Other times I took a beating to round 7, then climbed down to manage my day. From day to day I’ve gotta manage life feeling as if I just walked out of the boxing ring.

This drawing accurately depicts my constant struggle to reconcile how I feel with what is real.

Inside the Body by Tony Single

Inside the Body Dysmorphic [NSFW]

Despite the analogies, I think my attitude about the entire situation has improved a smidgen. There was an expression of gratitude for the health I still have.

I still have all my senses. I can walk at times. I have full use of my left hand and partial use of the right. My eyes are dim, but I can still see. The strongest part of my health is that I still enjoy the moment. The moment that comes to mind is appreciation for those little purple flowers in the grass. I like those.

How I see myself and how I treat myself must be kept in a positive light, if not I add power behind the heavy punches my health lands on me. I do not have control of my health, but I can support myself by ceasing emotional abuse. I can help myself by closing the gap between what I feel and what is real.


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One thought on “Closing the Gap Between Emotions and Reality

  1. Faith, this has given me some valuable insight into what it must be like to (attempt to) manage chronic pain every day. I can already relate to the severe body esteem issues. I’ve struggled with that for as long as I can remember.

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