The task was put to me to take a photo of myself monthly. By doing so I could see what I really look like as opposed to how I think I look. I feel like a slob. I feel disgusting and embarrassed to be seen. I feel ugly.
Any compliment goes in one ear and out of the other.
Lately I’ve treated myself the way I feel about myself which isn’t good. I didn’t take a photo last month either. When I had to do steroid treatments again I felt like, what’s the point of trying to lose weight when I end up on steroids and gain double what I lost?
Besides weight issue I seem to struggle with keeping up with the basics. I know I have chronic illnesses, what I don’t know is what part of the medical trauma I’ll fight on a given day. I feel like a boxer. Some days it feels like I was in the ring up to round three then I climbed down and managed the rest of the day. Other times I took a beating to round 7, then climbed down to manage my day. From day to day I’ve gotta manage life feeling as if I just walked out of the boxing ring.
This drawing accurately depicts my constant struggle to reconcile how I feel with what is real.
Inside the Body by Tony Single
Despite the analogies, I think my attitude about the entire situation has improved a smidgen. There was an expression of gratitude for the health I still have.
I still have all my senses. I can walk at times. I have full use of my left hand and partial use of the right. My eyes are dim, but I can still see. The strongest part of my health is that I still enjoy the moment. The moment that comes to mind is appreciation for those little purple flowers in the grass. I like those.
How I see myself and how I treat myself must be kept in a positive light, if not I add power behind the heavy punches my health lands on me. I do not have control of my health, but I can support myself by ceasing emotional abuse. I can help myself by closing the gap between what I feel and what is real.