lighted faith austinIt’s Nisan 14, the greatest day of the year. I went to services that started after sundown. It was difficult because my pain levels were so high but there was no way on earth I wanted to miss it.

I used to think that having a portrait of your pet was silly but I look at Mary Jane, who is 15 years old, and I feel differently.

I took photos this month of myself. I don’t see the ugly monster that I thought was there.

I’ll have an out of town visitor soon. I always look forward to seeing her. She’s bringing glass bottles. I use them to store tea, paints, buttons, stuff.

Ya ever love someone so much that the thought of existence without that person is incomprehensible? What about fear? Ever feared someone to the point of shaking inside but to not have them in existence seems incomprehensible? I don’t know what consolation could be given when my mother dies. I see myself bent over, sobbing with my mouth open, screaming and sobbing. What a rip off death is. She’ll take with her the last bit of hope that she’ll be ……. There is still no word on where she is, but I’ve pressed to make progress.

Tonight after services I was chatting with a few people that I’ve gotten to know just a little bit. As we chatted a man called to his wife who was a few feet away from me. When he called her I automatically turned around as if he spoke to me. She has my birth name. I can’t believe I responded to my birth name. The lady I was talking to asked if I was having a “senior moment”. I laughed and said, I have a lot of those.

Bible Jonah Piranha Moby DickBibles and Piranha. Jonah and Moby Dick. My sick sense of humor can even be seen on my top book shelf. I love the Bible account of Jonah who gets swallowed by the big fish. The fish wasn’t a 13 inch taxidermy piranha from Brazil, but it’s close enough for me. 🙂

I didn’t eat anything today because I was worried I’d toss my cookies during the service. I’m hungry.

I’m so wired! jittery, nervous. A big cup of chamomile tea is in order. I see some fur I need to cuddle with, too. Mary Jane is over there enjoying my bed.

Ah, another dread-head has contacted me about the Patchouli oil I made. Yes!!! The batch turned out very well. The lavender oil turned out well, too. I think I might put some lavender oil on my feet tonight to help me relax a bit. I’d really love some pizza but I think that’s a bit too much to eat right now.

I hit level 10 pain earlier in the day. When my pain level started rising I called Snow who talked me through it.

1:53 am. I’m still running from myself, still haven’t made the tea and man I’m hungry. It’s time for a sandwich.

I keep dissociating and rocking. I know very well I should get off here, take meds and go to sleep. I feel like a baby fighting a nap. I need to get myself grounded, better stabilized than this.



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