I didn’t make it in to see Dr D because I wasn’t physically able to travel. I asked him if he’s getting frustrated or worried that things aren’t the way they were. For years I saw him twice a week in his office. I now make it in once or twice a month.
I worry he’ll quit his job. How am I going to make that separation from one of the only constance in my adult life.
I challenged Snow the other day saying she doesn’t really want to come here and that I’m a burden to her. I said, you rush out of here like you don’t want to be here. She said, I’ve been here for 2 and a half hours. Surprised, I said, what? I shook my head in disbelief. Two and a half hours!? I thought she’d been here only a few minutes.
I feel like one of those chronically ill people who feels like a burden and wants to push people away yet needs them so much. This isn’t like, I hate you don’t leave me. This is like, I don’t know, like believing they’re going to abandon me. It will be easier to tell them they can go than to wait for them to leave. How could they not be tired of me? They never know when I’ll be half way calm then spasming, sweating and shaking.
As many different friends I see in my home and talk to each week one would think I’d feel loved and cared about. What I feel is lonely. Next week I’m having friends over. There will be 5 of them and me.
Earlier in the week I had to slap myself back to reality after an unreasonable and untrue thought crossed my mind. I thought, it would be better for everyone if I were dead. Untrue. That is not true. That’s something people believe when they have been ill for a long time and see the illness as a failure and a hindrance to the happiness of those they love. I do not desire to hinder the happiness of the people I love. I don’t want to burden them or grieve them. To die before my time would do just that.
I’m not suicidal. I’m just desperate, and chronic illness makes me feel less human, alienated from normality, and lonely.