Yup, still angry. Is that all I feel these days? I think in light of all I see and feel, anger is probably an appropriate response. Feeling this anger response may be justified in some ways but anger kills …….and I’m on borrowed air anyways.
I walked out of therapy. I got my bag and walked, slowly mind you, out of the session. Storming out of the room loses it’s strength when the person is in an upper body vest, bent over and uses a cane. So I slowly moved across the room, and snailed my way to the door…. Dr D knows I’m slow so he’s still talking. I’m like, my life sucks!
I have never, ever walked out on him. It was all over fear, not anger. He kept pushing an issue I told him to drop. There was one very quick flashback (just like they show in the movies) and the stage was set for a less than dramatic exit.
He and I do well with communication. Hardly ever is there an issue with that….but….the alters he is accustomed to working with have successfully integrated. The alters he’s working with now know him from a distance but still recognize him as safe. He’s safe, but we’re still scared. We flinch every time he moves. Ten years with this guy and we still flinch.
Today he requested to speak with a teenager we noted as having some difficulties. The answer was no. No, don’t ask to speak with her. We got very defensive. I was so mad at even the suggestion. I was going to tell him what’s going on with her and that she’s presented herself in situations where it was best she not be. I never expected him to say, well maybe I could talk to her. Oh heck no!! What?!!! Anyway, she was out at other doctor appointments and was afraid. I was having xrays and she kept saying, “Don’t touch me.” I’d already told the medical doctor that as a fear response I may say that but to please do what needs to be done. I didn’t tell the medical doctor about the personality disorder. He got the info he needed to know. I’m afraid, this is what I might say, however, please know I can do whatever tests need to be done. He was fine, the technicians were fine. I had my tests. Fine. But since she has been out/around in other places as well, I felt the need to discuss it with my psychologist.
My head is all over the place and desperation has set in. The more control I … need?….try to take….or keep?… the more I lose. I’m angry and I’ve spilled on innocent people more than usual. My fuse is short! I don’t have enough sense to flee so I’m in fight mode all of the time. I can’t believe how angry I am.
Anyway, I can see the teen while she’s out, I don’t know her that well. It feels as though I’m standing behind her looking out, but I have no connection to her. I knew some of the others very well but the alters left to be integrated are not ones I know.
Today I left home at 12:30 and returned at 4pm. I read a little bit then slept until around 9pm. I ate a salad and fed the creatures. I’ve got a busy week ahead.