We talked about health stuff which is part of the reason I’m angry. I herniation in C5-6, a pinched nerve in my neck and increased arthritis in my shoulder. The anger isn’t because of the news but the timing of the news. Nearly a year ago my general practitioner was told by the physical therapist he sent to my home that the main problem is in my neck, not my shoulder. Did anyone get xrays? Nope. He kept telling me that the pain I pointed out to him was more of my chronic pain. A year goes by with this injury and just now I have someone validate what I said and what the physical therapist said. A year of pain that was pushing me over the edge.

I remember telling the physical therapist that the added pain was too much. She looked down at me, I was on my back, and she said very gently that she could only do so much. She said it may get better but I might have to live with this pain. I told her, there’s a point when it’s no longer worth it and I’ve reached that point. I said, I’d rather be dead than add daily pain like this to what I’m already dealing with.

A year goes by and I start learning to use my left hand. The more feeling I lost in my fingers the more I pressed learning to use my left hand when needed.

I’ll ask the orthopedic surgeon for a GP referral.

I was certainly going to fire Dr. Jackass and go to a doctor that I actually interviewed over the phone. I didn’t leave because the doctor is female and that spells trouble for me. The biggest reason is that my disability status is up for review. The last thing I needed to do was change doctors. I need to go through with the review and then request a referral. I’m so tired of jackasses…I don’t want to become one.

There is no way on earth I should see a female doctor on a regular basis. If I have to see a woman she should not be black, or taller than me, or brunette or have a strong personality… or, or, or. …….Gracious. My fear of women, especially black women, is still quite strong.

Okay, taking stock: I’m not crazy yet. I recognize that I’m angry and recognize that I need to control that better. I have people that truly understand. I have support the loving support of a group of local friends and I’ve got a good therapist. I’ve got the tools to work with difficulties … and jackasses…as well as push through the physical aspect of things. I’ve got short term and long term goals. I’m still hungry for the long term goals.


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