Eight. I’m sitting on 8 after having been at a 9 for a few days. That’s the level of depression and suicidality I discussed today with my therapist Dr. D and my psychiatrist Dr. M. The depression stems from the pain but it’s a deep seeded depression. I was at the sink the other day washing my hands and I just dropped my head and bent over into my arms. I couldn’t put a finger on one specific thing, so I just call it battle weary.
I wrote a short something about my personal world decaying. That’s what Master of My Ghosts is about. Its about looking in from the outside and seeing that I’ve fallen down. I’ve entertained the thought of giving in to a selfish desire – suicide. I’ve been trying to reach out, trying different things to help myself get up and walk out of this trench. Part of me wants to lie in it. Part of me just doesn’t care anymore yet. I know that spark is there. I know I’m not dry bone and ashes. I want to function as well as possible. I want to think clearly. I want to stop obsessing and yet I must admit, there is a certain comfort with closing my eyes and falling in to myself.
Dr. D and I discussed Master of My Ghosts and a few other entries. During the next week I need to write a few things about the physical therapy which starts May 3rd.
I’m going to have to take a steroid treatment which Dr. M says will be very helpful pain wise.
During the first 5 days of a medication regimen, I’ll have close observation here at home. I’ll see Dr. M every week for the next 3 weeks. It’s just a quick check in.