I went out for a short walk today, this time the sun was up and gave me enough light for a few decent photos of the roses. I was pleased to find a few petals which where quickly picked up. Okay, not quickly but they were picked up.

srp1Here’s the thing, I never would have gone out today had it not been for my right leg which has been swollen for over a week.srp2 Despite compression hose this leg and foot remains swollen to the point that I am unable to wear my regular shoes. In addition to elevating it, I had to get some blood flow going. While walking I passed the bed of roses and took a few shots. I was all happy when I saw the petals lying there waiting to be picked up, waiting to be art.

I like the look of dried flowers. I’ve dried tons of them, usually in Bibles but right now I’ve got flowers and leaves drying perfectly in two old Bibles so I had to go to a secular source. Turns out The Hunchback of Notre-Dame was available 🙂 Honestly, I won’t read that book again, but I can not deny it’s artistic value….. and not just for drying flowers.

one month on steroidsThis last part, the part where I have photos of myself, is so hard to look at but I’m happy it was suggested that I take these photos monthly.

It does let me see where I am physically and gives me a hint of where I am emotionally. I look at the swollen, roundness of my face and it angers me. She was right to tell us to take photos. It helps. I really am getting huge, but I’m not a monster, I’m not ugly or hideous.

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame was chosen for it’s availability not to represent how I see myself.

under the coversI am still working hard to close the gap between feelings and reality. I have an issue. I didn’t choose it. It has my body but it can’t have me. And that’s the bottom line. I have no real control over what Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Spinal Stenosis or Degenerative Disk Disease will do to me but I can remember….always remember…it’s just a body, it’s not me. The illnesses and the effects it has on my body are not…  are not …a true reflection of me. I am not a baby, not making too much of the pain, not making too much of the captivity resulting from illnesses. ………..it’s okay though……..it is……..its okay……….because right now I feel just a little bit stronger. Right now I can separate me from the physical part of my life and realize what it really means to be me. Tomorrow will come, who knows what that will bring but right now I feel a little bit stronger. I’ll take that. mjbench1

It’s time to sip tea beside my girl and enjoy a good book.


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