The issue is that my pain levels are out of control. The issue is that I’m angry which is partly hormonal as I’m perimenopausal. The issue is sleep deprivation, hunger, hallucinations and depersonalization-derealization. Dear Lord I’ve been in therapy too long!! It is helpful though to know what the problem is.
The problem is thatÂ I look at my hands and they don’t feel like my own. It frightening. InÂ my head there areÂ two hands, right now, operating a keyboard, and that those hands are not my own. They don’t feel like they belong to my body. Sometimes when I see them I jump because this hand just came out of nowhere. I do not associate it with myself. How appropriate is the title of this entry? Ha.Â During these times I push the fear back by telling myself that the issue is stress related, my brain is tired right now and it’s doing funky things. It’ll stop.
We talked about marijuana again. I understand that he wants me to stop hurting so much. The MMJ was working, but it is illegal and I will not break the law. I made a promise, a vow, to liveÂ a certain way. There are no clauses, no loop holes when it comes to whether or not I obey the law. He doesn’t understand. Prisons are full of people who thought they could pick and choose which laws they’d obey. The world if full of people who will break the law if it benefits them, if they can justify it. Guess what? Not everyone feels it’s okay to break or bend laws when its convenient for them. I will have to find another way. I’m firm on that.
After we hung up (it was a phone session) I began to manipulate my gigantic teddy bear so that IÂ had support for my back, head and neck. I fell asleep and got 4 hours of quality sleep. I needed that.
Right now I’m going to have some crackers then head to bed. I’m exhausted still exhausted. Catnip tea should help relax me.