I read a few blog entries by a young woman just like me. I wanted to beam over to her, put my hands on both shoulders, look her in the eye and say, “Stop running. No more running. If you need to collapse and cry then do it. If it takes a week to cry yourself into a better mental state, then do it. But, no running.”
I know how it feels when the sky falls and impulsive decisions are made. I know the fear, anger and self loathing that comes with trying to live as many. I also know how hard it is to resist the temptation to believe that everything is ok, I just need to get myself together and I’ll be ok. That’s not true. Unfortunately, it’s not true.
Back then things were so powerfully intense. It was as if I was trapped in plastic wrap. The depression suffocated me, the anxiety set me aflame, flashbacks were like thick tar on my mind until it squeezed so tightly I wanted to scream. During those times it feels like you have to do something, change something big to ease the situation, but that’s not all together true. If I could have spoken to myself back then I’d tell me – stick with the safety plan set up by the care team and do not deviate. When you’re in the thick of it that’s the wrong time to make huge decisions. Stick with the plan.
I know you’re scared. I know you hurt. I know this desperation, but please, don’t run. It’s an impulse that will slow down the healing process and put obstacles in the way that aren’t needed.
If I could speak to my younger self who was in the position this young woman is in now I’d tell myself the truth. This crap sucks, it’s a roller-coaster ride and it’s frightening BUT IT DOES GET BETTER. There is hope, of this I am sure.
The life I have today as a multiple is not great. Sometimes it’s good, mostly it’s better than the mental state I was in.