June 21st, 2016 11:56 pm EST
My face is turned down, I can feel it. The sides of my mouth feel tugged towards the floor with little or no resistance.
Thirty minutes ago my stress level was too high. I started talking myself down. Relax. Everything you need is right here, you just need to calm down.
I could feel my heart racing.
I nearly screamed. I was so exhausted and anxious that I just wanted to scream. I felt like I slammed on the brakes. You are not going to scream.
There’s too much noise. The AC, the fan beside me, the ceiling fan, the bubbler in the fish tank and the sound of my anxiety.
I was shivering.
My tongue feels thick. It tingles where it makes contact with the top of my mouth.
Despite very little sleep due to some health issues, for the first time in about 3 years I am not in system wide medical crisis. Mental health is a different story.
June 22, 2016 – 11:51 pm
After seeing the PT I was kind of a mess but was able to quickly regain composure. I was not expecting the change in positions for treatment. During the next 2 months this guy will have me lay on my stomach so he can work on my shoulder and neck. I did not expect it! I’d already switched in his office and couldn’t answer too many of the questions. This means I need to keep a small journal so I can bring in info. I have a medical journal I use.
So I went in and laid face down. I couldn’t feel his hands on my shoulder. I couldn’t feel the pressure. He said he was giving a significant amount of pressure but I wasn’t able to feel it. I have no info to suggest why.
The difficulty with me on my back is that it’s prime trigger setup. I was afraid and switched to a child personality. I kept my eyes closed. I tried to do some deep breathing. Then things changed. After getting myself together emotionally, I had to get myself together hormonally. Evidently I spoke out loud, using language I haven’t used in over 4 years. “Oh s….” He said, what? I said, nothing, I’m fine. I mean my goodness, I have this guy rocking on my body doing deep tissue massage in rhythmic, steady motion. He was killing me! I wasn’t prepared for that therapy session at all. I just kept my eyes closed. If that was a test of my faith, I failed. Shorty was doing a job on me!!!
After it was over I was right back to a little one who is rather timid. Argh! Man, oh man, oh man. It was exhausting, totally exhausting.
I laugh now to let myself know that things are okay. They are. We are safe. As a matter of fact, despite the fact that he can physically overpower me, he’s scared of Robert who once gave him the “death look.” We’re in a room with other people. I’m safe, I’m fine and, some of it is funny.
Okay, so, Betty and I went to pick up some 90% dark chocolate and red wine. There was no wine in this house and dang it I needed sleep. I had 2 squares of chocolate, about 3 ounces of wine and was out like a light! My therapist called and woke me. I talked to him about all but the hormonal peak. As a matter of fact, I was so tired that I had to tell him I needed to go back to sleep.
He told me a few things real fast. I’m to write them down so that the younger ones can know we truly are safe. Even if it feels like I’m 6 years old, if it feels like I’m 12 years old, the reality is that my body and the time I live in says I’m 45 years old come August. I can say, Stop! Also, I can remind myself that I’m safe. If his rhythm becomes an issue for any of me, I’ll talk to him about it.
I’ll tell you what, it only takes about 3 ounces of wine to knock me out. In this way I am truly my mother’s daughter.