I’m dissociating my head off. Some of us seem detached from the scope of the tragedy. My mother, my aunt, my brother…… all of that has to be filtered through to many people inside my head. There are moments when I feel okay. I’m able to laugh, to go get a cup of tea but seconds later I’m hit by all this and I think I might break. I feel like I’m holding on to my sanity by a thread.
My anxiety is kinda crazy.
My understanding of time is nill. I don’t get it, I never will but its especially hard now. I was in the kitchen and then dread fell over me because I thought it might be a different day and I forgot to make an appointment. I have to figure out what day it is.
There is normal right now but it’s not in my head. The normal is that my friends, a ton of them, have been with me continually. I keep being told, stop pushing yourself. I was told that even though I am no longer in a position to travel, I can have access to the convention through live feed. I was so grateful.
Part of me is sad that I can’t go but another part of me understands why it’s better I stay here. There has been too much to try and hold in my head. I’m doped up big time. I don’t know how much good it’s doing. I still have my sanity.
The first night was shock and silence. The second night was me bent over the side of the bed crying “Oh God. Oh my God! ……….I want to pray but I can’t find the words other than help me.
I have an older alter named Adam. He can be heard saying, it’s okay, calm yourselves, it’s okay. And then the crying stops for a while. An elder from the Kingdom Hall said to me, I know your heart is breaking. I said, I don’t have one anymore. I’ve vomited it out.
I try not to keep leaving, try to keep myself calm, try to remember that I am recovering from a TIA (my third in 2 or 3 years) but this time with numbness on my face on the right side. my eye sight is junk….can’t travel right now. to me that’s not on my list. i just don’t want to lose my mind.
Not everyone in side will get this information at the same time. Not everyone can even speak of it. It’s like saying it makes it real. if you don’t say it then everything is okay, and will be, until I say I’m ready to let you guys go. And there I feel my lungs get really full and stop. I have to remember to breathe. I have therapy tomorrow.
Of course I keep painting or scribbling, whatever to work off nervous energy.
It’s me, Jordan