I thought since my insurance pays for it I’d go check out this fitness center. I was excited at the thought of getting to really work on loosening the muscles in my shoulders and back.

I entered and immediately felt obese!

My friend checked in and left me to talk to a very muscular man wearing an ultramarine blue suit. His neck was covered in tattoos and he sported bones in his ears, the kind that people of lighter persuasion wear. She left me with him! He said a few words to me then passed me off to a well sculpted man with a ponytail. But before he could start talking, 2 guys approached him and began some sort of extended body bump, handshake and roaring ritual.

As they expressed their primal glee, I held on to my chair, fearing the winds might destabilize my body fat and bounce me to the floor. Now in survival mode, I called to the 3 men beside me and said, “Ya’ll are gonna have to stop, that’s way too much testosterone for this small area.” Sculpted ponytail agreed to the massive amounts of maledom and bumped a little more. Finally the ritual ended and I had Ponytail’s full attention.

We talked about what machines I’d be interested in doing, what my goals need to be and how he loved his lunch made up of oatmeal, peanut butter and honey. As the appointment went on it became clear that Ponytail wanted to be helpful, wanted to work with me and was quite a nice guy. However, I was overwhelmed by the amount of noise from the machines, overhead music, television and all the people. I could no longer distinguish one sound from the other, I was that over stimulated.

I got a miniature tour and saw the machines I really want to work with to relieve the tension in my arms, shoulders and legs. But I didn’t think I could go through with a membership, even a free one so I left with my friend and shook my head at the realization that Ultramarine guy had pecs the same size as my breasts.

Next week I’m going back to see Ponytail guy. There’s a sauna and whirlpool that may prove useful.

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