i feel like walking away, only i hate that no matter where i go, there i am.
i feel like closing down this journal i’ve had for ages because i don’t care anymore. i’m not going to, i just feel like i want to. i feel like i don’t want to try. like i want everything to go away. like every emotion balled in to one gets the generic category of i don’t care. part of me is angry!!!!

i need a good purge. a long, hard cry, a lot of sleep and a phone call from a friend asking how i’m doing. there’s so much to do this month that it feels overwhelming. i’m going to travel to appointments with a woman i’m trying to forgive. some days its easier. i’ll see her tomorrow. God help her if she says something stupid like, how do black people wash their hair. is there a website called black people for dummies? i’ve explained how i wash dreadlocks but if my hair is wet when i get in the car she goes on this rant again about, i don’t understand how you wash that, it doesn’t make sense to me. she’s going to drive me to drinking.

the blog serves as a purge at times. my brain is full of fireworks that need to break past the walls of my skull. they press and burn until i can write them out in full color or paint them to a fizzle, so i can think. one of the things about my drawings in black and white is that i do them to empty my head. i just fill the page with lines and wiggles until i’m done. sometimes i’m not done until 5 or 6 inks later. but it helps channel something i feel i have little control over…. me and us.

these are mine here. there’s a larger one of mine that we kept. it’s framed in the living room. i thought that was pretty neat.


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2 thoughts on “I feel like

  1. If it had just been once that she asked I wouldn’t have thought much about it, but she asks all the time as if black people have a special way they wash their hair from white people. She keeps bringing up these white people black people questions. And no, I don’t care if she’s just interested. The difficulty is that she and I have a history that most would say disqualifies her curiosity for all things of color. It’s that she won’t let it go, that’s the problem.

    I just need to tell her straight out that I’m having a hard time with the ‘not my black daughter’ situation and that all the queries into the deep dark skin are seen as insult to injury not curiosity. It is the history between Betty and myself that changes things, not the questions. I’m either going to need to address it and try to nip it in the bud or shut up about it.


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