The session started off with me saying I’m a ball of emotion that I feel overwhelmed by so I just say I don’t care. We talked a bit about some different situations that I might be angry about. So we bounced around a bit then hit jackpot.
My sister. I think she owes me. Yup. I think she owes me a second of acknowledging my existence. I didn’t get it when I was little and she still can’t stand me to this day. She’s older than me by just a little bit. Crap!! Ya know, I’m stupid for this because it’s not different from when I was younger so why am I so hurt by it now? Or is it that now I can feel? I’ve stopped running from state to state, apartment to apartment to get away from my mother. I stopped running long enough to face some of the issues with my mother, a lot of the issues, and I learned what feelings really are. And it hurts to be ignored. It hurts to be nothing to her. I can only shake my head. I feel like an adult throwing a temper tantrum, jumping up and down screaming, Why can’t you see me? I didn’t do anything to you!……… I left her there with my mother. Darn straight I left my mother!! It was leave or die. I chose to live. I could not stay and my sister couldn’t leave until she was forced out. That had to be excruciating. My Aunty S said my sister feels abandoned. You can only be abandoned by people who exist. I don’t exist to her!! God for bid she should even look at me or use my name, heck any name. Some sort of acknowledgement.
We talked about a certain memory that was playing in my head as I spoke to Dr. D. As I saw this playing in my head, I could see Jordan screaming at this memory, I hate you!!! She screamed at the top of her lungs, I hate you! It was inside my head. At that time I asked Dr. D if he knew he was talking to Robert. He said no then he said, “Robert has come to sessions a lot lately, hasn’t he.” And then he became my sister. I have told that man so many times not to speak to me in the 3rd person. He’s talking to me, Robert, so he should say, “You’ve come to sessions a lot lately, haven’t you? It feels as if he’s ……..if feels like he’s ignoring me, looking over, past, through, whatever and that he won’t even speak to me as I sit there unless it’s in the 3rd person. “How is Robert feeling today?” “Does Robert feel the most anger?” “Is Robert feeling more vulnerable?” NO I’M FEELING MORE PISSED OFF that the he can’t speak directly to me. How are you feeling today. Address me, I’m right in front of you (or on the phone), address me!!! I showed him a picture of me but he couldn’t see me at all. I was right there but he said its too abstract, he can’t see me. I’m right there. That’s me right there. I’m right there.
We know we are fractured parts of the original personality. We may feel like different people but we know that we are all Faith and have never claimed to be anything else. Yes, we have different names and we are now very aware of one another, but it hurts to be spoken of as if I’m not in the room. If I tell you I’m Robert then perhaps there’s a reason I told ya that. Can we talk about why I’m in session more? I’ve never asked to be called anything other than Faith. If I identify myself its not a request to call me something other than Faith, it’s information. I’d appreciate it if you could acknowledge me with the word ‘you’.
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