Something just occurred to me. I argued openly with a woman displaying disapproval and anger. Usually I will go out of my way to avoid a verbal confrontation with a woman. I can write stuff out and shake in my boots while doing it, but to be aggressive with a woman toe to toe is new for me. For the second time in the last few months, Betty and I had a very public argument. She's a fiery one, and I'm a survivor in fight mode.
I can go toe to toe with a man with no fear. I can stand in his face and get ugly, but my fear of anger from a woman turns me into a coward. So it's interesting to know that when Betty jumped stupid these two times, I jumped right back and wasn't afraid at all. Is it because I know her anger will fizzle out and she's not going to hit me, or is it because I'm less fearful of anger from a woman? Is it because I know HER and know that our history says she won't become physically violent? The person who taught me to fear women only showed me anger, that was all we had in our history. My history with Betty is primarily good, maybe 90% good. The other ten percent can be nasty.
Words, those things hurt more than rocks, sticks and fists. Looks of disapproval are everlasting. Looks of disgust are imprinted despite trying to scrape them off. They can kill the spirit with much more ferocity than a hollow point bullet.
I don't write everything Betty and I do. Betty's side of things are not shown here. I complain about her mostly, not saying much positive about her anymore. This might lead some to think I should cut this fish loose. But relationships are complex and are not always clearly defined on a blog. What I'm saying is, I am hurt deeply, very deeply by some of what Betty has said in the last few months. But that is only one part of our friendship, our relationship. It is not fully disclosed on the net, how can it be?
My friendship with Betty includes her spoiling me rotten. The woman denies me nothing except emotional connection. ........ Dear God, she is my mother. Oh wow! In the next week or so I can expect a nice gift from Betty, the same as my natural mother would do. But Betty is different, she is..... she's got issues but she's not one dimensional. My mother was one dimensional and her sights, unclean.
I already know that Betty is going to die. I already know what's under her skin and it's not me that's making her angry. It's not me that brings her to a boiling point. I may tip the pot or turn up the heat by a degree, but it is not Faith that caused two public arguments.
I know that she has been having a lot of problems and that she's not well. For this reason I will not again go toe to toe with her.
Her husband asked if I'd move in with her if he died. I flat out said no, we'd kill each other, she'd smother me with a pillow while i sleep. I actually said that. .....You can't have two Alpha females in a house without bloodshed.....The point is, her husband and she have talked about what I would do if the other one dies.
This friendship is so complex. I'm amazed I'm even holding it with no thought of kicking her to the curb. I'm amazed I can stand next to her and be flippant or tell her about herself in less than kind words. But, that has to change. Instead of attempting to defuse the situation, I let, allow, give in to fight instead of flight. Flight is not a cowardly out, but brazen, willful lack of self control is. I don't have to yell back. I can be a little bit more understanding of her situation. Even without all the information, I know she's got a lot on her mind and is very stressed. I can use some of my new skills and chose kindness instead of fight. I can choose not to use my voice as a weapon, even if provoked.
I swear I smell homemade chocolate chip cookies. I smell Toll House. I'm not kidding.