Today’s visit with Snow was a bit different because we got on the subject of feeling like we aren’t worthy of things. She and I talked about our mutual friend that died recently, the one that died from a blood clot during surgery. She said something to me that made me cry. She said what I’ve been thinking but felt like maybe I was doing that thing where I take focus off others and put it on myself. She said she feels like it should be her that’s dead instead of our friend because our friend had so much more to offer the world.
Her death is like a great heist. A jewel has been stolen from us and sent to the grave. It’s wrong. It’s just wrong. So we started talking, and it appears that many in our congregation have said they feel guilty for surviving her. She was just a person, we know that. She wasn’t perfect, we know that, but we looked up to her because she had this bigger than life, yet mild mannered way, that touched people. She was a true servant of mankind and it feels wrong to be here when she’s not. It feels unjust that I’d live when someone ‘more deserving’ has been robbed of life. I’m not the only one who thought that. I felt better, not so self centered and attention seeking because ‘normal’ , ‘everyday people’ feel the same.
A long time ago, the new widower told me that I have a place, I’m not a lost cause, not worthless. The idea that I’d have a ‘place’ where I can fit in, grow and be appreciated is foreign to me….. was foreign to me. I am happy he told me that. I don’t have to justify my existence or measure my worth by another, is truth I need to remember. It’s also truth I’ve taken to heart. I had to sit down and think to myself, what do I have to offer? What can I give of value to anyone? It took a bit but I figured it out.
I’ve completed my first year of training. I’m starting the second in September. I won’t see that piece of paper with my name on it for 2 more years, but I am working for it. In the mean time I’ll keep doing what I do.
I’ve got six kids and their parents coming here…… and there’s no tea involved, what’s that about? I wonder sometimes what I’m thinking!!! I look forward to the return of the young lady and her mother for another formal African tea ceremony. There’s also the Dynamic Duo (twin boys) who have art in their heart and can’t wait to get a hold of the paints. I love it. They are the only three groups I’ll have for the next few months, everything else is reading, painting, sewing and me, me, me and tea.