My head is a mess but I’m not playing along.
I’m anxious enough to pull at my hair, but I’m not playing along.
I want to cry.
I want to sleep, scream, drink tea, all at the same time.
One thought argues with the other and brings in a third to take sides,
but he brings friends and they tussle around my skull threatening to break a window, if one was there.
I keep putting my face in my hands, my body’s cue to rock back and forth.
I catch myself, remind myself
I’m not going to play along.
That stuff like above just comes out sometimes so I type as it does. Its raw and true so I just let the words come. I lower my head, close my eyes and type. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or is written in a formal style. Letting it out is the main goal.
I have a dream from last night that I can’t seem to shake off. A dead ape on top of me, bleeding, a child jumped from a ten story building and hit the ground even though his friends tried to catch him. There must have been 30 kids trying to catch him.
the house i lived in had robbers who kept us captive. we tried to escape but every door led to another door which lead to a whole different home and set up. it too had doors which lead to other doors. there was no way out of the house so the other kids and i decided we’d have to out smart our captives. it ended with a dead child and a dead ape that i finally got off me. that’s when i realized he wasn’t entirely dead yet. It didn’t take long, there was a huge gash in his neck, he’d been knifed pretty hard.
The dead child who jumped out the window is the part I can’t seem to shake. I couldn’t get him to stay inside. I couldn’t convince him it wasn’t safe to try to jump from that high. Then the group of 30 or more friends of his were all screaming and running toward nothing… just running in the same direction, with their arms out like they were stuck in catch motion. they all screamed, we were seconds late, just seconds late. they all ran in one direction, with their hands out, running nowhere, just running……
I kept saying “I’m not playing along.” I mean that I’ve not done what I need to do to shake this off me, which is to write this stuff down and get it out of my head. I should have done it hours ago BUT I am writing it now. I’m not feeding in to depression. I’m not feeding in to the emotions that come from that dream. I’ll acknowledge them by writing them down and I’m going to leave them here. If by chance I need to cry, well that’s better than holding it in because if I did that I’d just suffer longer. I don’t always do what I should when I should do it. I suppose the bright side of this is that I’m finally doing it and it’ll help.
It’s time to snuggle with Mary Jane and let this night end. That’s another good way of not feeding in to depression and anxiety. If I can help it, I don’t have to stay up all night. I don’t have to linger on. I can call it a night.