Late yesterday evening brought another vicious war of vomiting and pain. I cleaned myself up, swallowing my pride and got myself ready to speak to my therapist over the phone.

A shower with lavender soaps, lavender essential oils and lavender lotion makes times like these less ugly. Betty said, I wish you didn’t have to deal with this. I said, me too.

During times like this, which are fewer than before, I don’t talk much. I don’t try to hide quiet tears. I don’t try to do anything other than see it for what it is, a moment. I think today’s tears were because of being physically tired. I’m happy I had therapy.

Mary Jane stayed at a safe distance. Smart girl. She moved to the recliner in the room, way out of reach. lol. I take it she remembers that one, ever so unfortunate event. lol. She didn’t leave me though.

Everything is protected, nothing was ruined including my blankets and such. The pads that lay down are washable, but I get enough to simply fold them up and throw them away. Also in the trash bag is any embarrassment I felt for being such a mess and needing help to clean things up.

This is Lupus and life with chronic pain. Sometimes I manage, other times I don’t. Sometimes I’m strong, other times I’m bitter. Right now my attitude is better than in the past.

I’m going to keep writing, keep talking, keep drawing, sewing, reading and planting….. because I want to. That’s different too. There are often times when I think I’m done, this morning wasn’t one of those times.

…… I need a short nap and then I’ll continue with my day ……. because I want to.


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