I have to write what I’ve been doing in therapy or I’ll have no clue and no way to look back and see … me.
Family – My aunt’s leukemia worries me. Her sister in Florida isn’t a match for a bone marrow transplant. I’ve wondered if I desire to be reintroduced to her with time left that she has. Dr. D asked if she’s changed. I’ve heard a softer tone in her. Has she changed? I believe there’s been a change but I don’t know what it is and yes, I do want to get to know her in whatever time she has left. What’s interesting is that we’d get to know one another without a third party, without my mother, without my sister, without the rest of my family. Is that possible? Is risk of more pain worth it? Sometimes I think it is.
Shortly after my brother’s death I wrote that I don’t like either surviving aunt. The more texts that pass between me and Aunty S, the more I see a difference.
Five years ago if I’d been asked if I’d ever consider a relationship with any of my aunts I would have laughed in your face and escorted you out the door. Ten years ago I would have cursed you, but I’m in midlife and midlife (along with health issues) makes you think differently. It may not always be clear thinking, but it does get you to thinking.
I walked away from my mother to save my life, period.
Part of me screams, this is a bad idea, a terrible idea. Why be curious when safe is much less painful? Curiosity killed the cat.
My heart is desperate and I know it, which means I have to watch my step….and my mouth. I may have been raised a survivor, but my mother didn’t raise a fool. Can I mange any hurt, including unintentional, from people with whom I have an abusive history?
Soil . We talked about how I feel one thing I’ve gained by not continuing to live with my mother, was the opportunity to have a measure of stability, a home of my own. After I stopped running from her, after I stopped rage and anger that presented itself in unproductive and sometimes dangerous ways, I was better able to make a home for myself. We moved constantly as a child, constantly. Since the year 2000 I’ve moved 4 times, including where I am right now. That’s a lot for some people but it’s nothing compared to the girl who went to 14 schools before graduating from high school. It’s nothing for the girl who lived in cars, a camper, with this person, here, there and everywhere. The only reason I’d move now would be because the rent is getting very high.
Despite issues here, I don’t feel they’re worth moving over. There isn’t a perfect place to live. There’s going to be a downside to any place, we just have to choose what we’re willing to deal with. The downside to here for me is money, the upside is cleanliness. If I can pay what needs to be paid and be content, then staying is worth it for me. I know how to be content. I’m not an overly ambitious person. I prefer happiness and calm, to status and the public eye. Why do you think I hide behind a computer screen…I’m not in the public eye…. Anyway, if I can’t pay the bills with disability income plus supplemental income from art and doll sales, then I will have no choice but to move.
Roots. I believe in planting myself so that I can grow roots. That’s one family cycle that’s been broken, I don’t move every year or every two years. No. I plant roots in the best soil available to me. Even if the soil isn’t perfect, there are things I can do to make it stronger and healthier to support growth. Stability isn’t gained when we drift from place to place. It doesn’t really matter why we drift, it’s the act of drifting that denies stability to a person who needs it, as much as they need air.