We talked about how difficult it is to leave but how doing so was necessary. It hurts. The hurt gets better, it’s not always this bad, but it hurts.

My aunt says my sister feels abandoned. With the loss of my mother as her life long roommate and without me, yes, she feels abandoned. I to Dr. D, the guild I feel for leaving reminds me of a scene in the movie Crimson Tide. The scene was where the sub was hit by a missile and was taking on water. The crewman, played by Ricky Schroeder, told the acting captain ( Densel Washington ) that men where below and couldn’t get out. The captain asked if he could get them out and get himself out safely. He said no. All the while the sub was going deeper, reaching a level it would not recover from. The captain told Ricky to close the hatch. Ricky said the men would die. Again he was told to close the hatch. He did, and the men down there died. The sub recovered slowly and the men reached land. The ranking officers had to speak to the naval court concerning a mutiny aboard a submarine.

This is life without a family. There is constant emotional court martial, finger pointing, blaming. Promises are never made. Hatred won’t allow you to give promises so that you can break them. That is what it feels like to walk away when you don’t want to, but feel you have no choice. No matter what, I’m the guilty one. No matter what, the apology should come from me. No matter what I should and should, and should because I was the one who left.

Yes, the ship did recover but there are consequences, lingering pain, when you have no choice but to close the hatch. It is not an easy decision and it hurts.

When thinking of my sister feeling abandoned I put her in the position of the men who saw the hatch of the submarine close. From that perspective, it must have felt like the ultimate betrayal. Imagine being the one watching that hatch close. Betrayal, anger, rage, blaming, demonizing the person who closed the hatch. That person’s face becomes the picture of all things that are wrong with the family and wrong with their life.

There is another factor to consider. The human being I left at that house is older than I am. I was barely 20 when I left. This person I left, my sister, had no reason to hate me so much. I want to shake her by the shoulders and say, I didn’t do anything to you!!! I didn’t do anything to you!!!

The only person I ever felt more hated by is the woman that gave birth to me.

Dr. D said that eventually a person can come to peace with not having family, but he never said how.


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