I got the lecture about how we (my aunt and I) aren’t going to drudge up the past. She says people remember things differently and that she doesn’t want to hear anything negative about her sister. This isn’t going to last….. In other words, we don’t want to bring up the abuse, we still don’t believe you and still don’t want to deal with it. She’s okay with hearing bad about me but not her sister or my sister. I flat out told her, with my mother out of the picture, I hoped my sister and I could have a relationship. That’s when she told me about remembering differently…. I’m way past acting like everything is okay. Way past it.

I am angry right now! I am very angry.

When I got home from Florida from Aunty P’s house no one believed me when I told them what Uncle ‘Deserves to be Dead’ was doing to me and to my cousin. What happened was that I was told I couldn’t be alone with my grandfather because I might accuse him of touching me. Not a single person ever, ever saw me as anything other than a disobedient liar. No one wanted to believe me.

I found out why my sister hasn’t responded……she can’t, and that makes my heart happy and sad. It’s not ME that she can’t call or contact. It’s not ME that she’s rejecting. It turns out life with my mother was enough to crack her. I’m happy it’s not me she’s rejecting again and I’m happy I left when I did because I’d be in the same boat. But it hurts my heart to know she can’t function in this life because of her mind.

This drives home the belief that not everyone has an equal chance, equal emotional strengths, equal opportunities to escape their abusers. Some of us lived, some did not and some breathe without ever having truly lived.

My Aunty S was asked to call me Faith. She says she’s called me by my birth name all my life and I’m going to have to understand…..blah, blah, blah……. need time, when I talk about you I use the other name, when…blah, blah, ………SHUT UP!!! This brings back how much of a struggle it was just to exist, to be recognized as a human being (whatever that is) and be allowed to be the gender given at birth. My name is Faith. I was born female. I shouldn’t have been tormented for being born a girl, shouldn’t been hounded so badly and stripped of identity and gender, not sexuality, gender. I shouldn’t have been told how horrible women are and I should not have been told men are dogs.

When I was going to meet my Aunty S for coffee I said I would be wearing a skirt. This is why….because I have fought long and hard to be allowed to be me!! I was born a girl, was born with girl parts, feel like a girl, the whole thing about being a girl! But my goodness, what a price I paid. Excuse the heck out of me for having a vagina!

Faith, are you kidding me? This is insanity. You don’t have to worry about these things with your current friends. You have people who love you. Heck, grown men have cried with you when your heart was breaking. They love you.. Why is blood so important? Why is the link to a blood relative so important when they are just fine with spilling your blood and telling you not to bring it up? Here’s a shopping spree, forget about what happened. We’re going here, we’re taking a trip there……. I never slept one good night in the house with them. Faith, you have what you need, please, lets not do this…

The worst feeling in the world is being no one. No name, no gender, no one. To feel stripped of that is like being skinned alive. I’ve fought so hard to enjoy my womanhood, to be just as girly as I desire or as tomboy as I desire. Am worth more than the DNA connection that tried so hard to destroy me. This body once held a child, this heart has the heart of a person who understands and desires the great role of motherhood. It’s taken so long to repair the damage done by forcing me into a male role (again, not sexuality, gender). It makes no sense because she hates men. She did the same with my brother. At age 3 she started in on him with this gender issue. ) 

My Aunty S will be out of the country for a week or so. I asked her to bring back coffee or tea. Shouldn’t be that difficult but hey, ya know, whatever. I can’t even believe she’s going to one of the poorest countries in the world with clients. Stay in a nice hotel, be served by locals, enjoy the beauty of the land and forget about the hardships of those around her. I would never in my life go to that place for vacation, that is messed up!! For coffee or tea she’d have to mingle with the locals, not gonna happen.

Some people will see what they want to see and believe only what they want to be true.

I also have a hard time with the fact that she never initiates contact. I do, every time. She said she wanted to have a phone conversation Thursday because we missed Wednesday. I tried to contact her but was told she’s really busy and needs to get her lawn cared for before going to see my cousin.

When I talked to her it was while she was in her car on the way to a business meeting. That’s the kind of time that’s always been made, penciled in. She actually said that, I’ll pencil you in. Seems lawn care was written over my name. The update on my sister’s mental health was given while driving to make her favorite thing, money. I nearly despise money.

I have a mentally crippled sister who breathes but did not survive my mother. It feels like every star just fell from the sky.

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