A few mornings ago I woke in a panic and immediately took a Klonopin. This afternoon I started painting away the anxiety but it got to be too much so I took a Klonopin. I feel a looming sense of panic.

I was painting when this feeling of panic and dread came over me. My chair sits with the back to the bedroom door. I don’t have a problem with that at all. Today, however, I sat there full of dread, waiting for….something….to swoop in, hyper-speed flash into the room and snatch me from behind. Something. It was like when you watch a movie and you know very well something is going to come flying in the room to snatch a victim…. the victim is you.

My thought on that is how quickly I am overwhelmed by emotion so that I am reduced to a ball of tears, to nothing, when I think of my mother and brother. It’ll take only a nano second of letting my guard down for me to be over taken by bone shattering grief.

Anxiety is a beast. Physical pain, a demon.

bear bare me
bear bare me

A have a 3 foot tall bear filled with lavender. He’s been altered just a bit to be a body pillow. I can either lay on him so that my neck touches his soft nose or I can use his arms and legs tucked here and there for pressure point relief. He comes in quite handy. I put him in the dryer to freshen him up.

This is my chamomile plush aromatherapy frog sitting on a my chair with …. interesting fabric…. I love this chair and the frog. I got the frog from a second hand store. The chair belonged to the guy whose apartment lease I took over.

thinking-chair-stuffed frog
thinking-chair-stuffed frog

I don’t know what this weekend will bring. I’m feeling pretty tired. I’ve slept on and off all day and have accomplished nothing much. I did manage to irritate a person who told me to be mindful of my ego and self centered nature as an artist, but other than that the day has been slow. I must get back to that individual to find out why my comment about a ‘dead artist’ irritated him so. I’ve got a knack for irritating people….and for losing track of my days. I just realized it’s Sunday morning and I have a 1 pm meeting. Gracious!

I thought it was late Friday and I would have the weekend to visit some blogs. (I now have everyone I follow set to weekly digest through email.) …..I have zero concept of time, zero. It’s dark-thirty Sunday morning. What on earth! That means I need to go back and see what I’ve been up to the last few days. Maybe it’s that I’m so tired that right now my time is off but I could have sworn it was just Thursday. I can only shake my head.

Whatever. …..

written October 1st, 2016 – 1:57am EST
UPDATE: written October 1st, 2016 – 2:49pm EST. I made the meeting. Heck yeah! I studied for it a few days ago, looked up all the Scriptures, answered the questions, ready. I was very pleased to make the service meeting this afternoon.

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