Therapy was hard Monday. I wasn’t able to get in to see him so I had yet another phone session. There’s a loss of connection and even trust when I can’t see the eyes of the man who has heard some of the hardest words I’ve ever verbalized and seen some of the most grotesque images I’ve scribbled on paper.
This Little Duck, which I’ve been called since childhood, is not a happy camper. I’d like to be alone for a moment or two, not hear the phone ring, not have a doctor or nurse or anyone call me, not have a friend text me, not have anyone want anything immediately.
I want to work on thinning out all that makes me feel choked. There’s a lot of artwork that will be thinned out of here, scribbles and scratches, full paintings and abandoned work, gone because I don’t wish to store them. I do not have an employee, a helper to assist with daily life, especially art, and I’m buried in it, feeling smothered. At least if I get rid of the oldest stuff I may be able to justify moving forward.
I want to paint more abstract. I have a few small commissions to do.
I need to find my stitch puller thingamabob so I can readjust a doll I’m making. I found my thimble, can’t find the stitch remover.
I’m angry. I’m triggered. A family gathering at the complex had children playing kickball in the yard. I used to love that game as a child. Today I was unable to differentiate the sound of laughing from crying. I often have that difficulty if not looking directly at the person. When the sound comes from the child it’s distorted. I panic.
The dental appointment went well. He couldn’t find a vein in my usual spot and said that he’d like to try in my hand. I yelled, “No!” I think I was clear. I didn’t mean to yell. ….As soon as I walked in his office and the TV was loud, and I could hear every client’s voice as if they were screaming at me, I recognized that I was having PTSD symptoms. They assigned a nurse to me but she spoke so loudly that I politely requested another nurse. I was given a much less energetic and more soft spoken woman. Loud people make me nervous, my perception of loud makes me panic. Hyper-arousal / Hyper-vigilance, PTSD. I didn’t realize I was so afraid. Betty said the look on my face changed when we walked in his office. I bet it did. The TV was going, people were talking, the nurses station was buzzing and I steadily grew anxious.
I was awake for the entire thing but felt nothing. I was given what he referred to as the amnesia drug. He was done so fast it wasn’t even funny. He put the IV in so well I didn’t feel it.
Nervous. I took some Klonapin and logged it in the book. I added the vitals from the dentist to the book to show Dr. Yes when I see him again. The problem with my blood pressure was in fact the issue with my tooth that broke off and that I allowed the gum to grow over. I have to go back several more times for fillings and the like. No more teeth need to be removed. I picked up some of that nasty tea he has to add to the now full box of nasty teas to be sent to a fellow artist who sends me her nasty tea. The other tea I’ll include is stuff from London and a few teas from Turkey. I enjoyed them.
I started using the tea pot that’s my favorite because when I make tea by the cup it doesn’t feel like a transition from running around getting things done to settling down for the night. It just feels like I’ve grabbed a cup of tea. I like my night time ritual so I’ve started using the one pot I’ll cry if I break. I just haven’t been able to get my hands on an earth tone ceramic type tea pot. I hate high gloss ceramics. I like earth tones, classic not modern designs. I was thinking of a cast iron pot but had to rethink that. I don’t know, eventually I’ll find another tea pot so I can put up my favorite one and be attached to it in the odd way I am.
I don’t need to add another thing to my list of things to do tonight. Wednesday I’ll study for Thursday evening’s services. But let Friday arrive and I’m so going to have my regular primping day full with good tea, a nice foot soak and a homemade honey lemon face mask. Yup, it’s on! It’s time for these toes to sparkle with cobalt blue once again. Snow will come to study the Bible with me then we’re going to the Good Earth for Earl Grey tea, dried lavender, jasmine flowers and raspberry leaves. I will boot her out so that by 6 I’ll be ankle deep in lavender water. Let the primping begin….and then stop cause Saturday is tea at my house with a good friend. It’s a relaxing thing, nothing formal, just chit chat and perhaps some cake.
written October 4, 2016 9:00pm EST