One person’s physical therapy is another person’s torture technique.
PT Black says my neurological system is all out of whack and that it responds to pain even when there isn’t sufficient pressure applied. Yeah, I know that. So, she said she wanted to try something she called ‘sensitizing’. It’s essentially what we do in psychotherapy where we go over a memory that is particularly troubling so that we can take the sting out of it. I did this with Dr D a few times. I’ve also painted nightmares and was able to eventually remove the sting. So, PT Black put her hand, lightly, on the most painful part of my neck and kept it there. My pain level shot up to a 9 and I started to panic.
After a few seconds I had her take her hand off me because I wasn’t able to even think. … I know the technique she’s talking about, however, I wasn’t ready for that, hadn’t planned for it and wasn’t in the mental space for it. What I heard her say was, “I’m going to hurt you and I want you to act like it doesn’t hurt.” “I’m hurting you. I know I’m hurting you, but you’ll get used to it.” ………This moves into territory where there will be flashbacks, there will be issues. My mother’s version was that by visualizing the harm I would be able to handle it better. I spent a lot of time trying to handle her pain better, now I’m trying my best to live despite the pain she caused.
PT Black commented that the scoliosis is pronounced and that it plays a part in the pain. The herniated disks are in the curve. She said that my head doesn’t get the proper position to rest in because of the curve, so I mentioned that I designed a pillow specifically for my neck because I know it doesn’t have the support it should. The pillows that look like they have a bite out of them don’t work well for me so I had to come up with something different for my neck and lower back. It is nice to hear someone speak to me and acknowledge that my spine is jacked up and that it contributes to the severity of the Fibromyalgia, and that I’m not just making it up that it hurts to touch me. It hurts to wear clothing.
Friday morning I see the orthopedic specialist, a different one. Dr. Oh No has taken a leave of absence. In a week or so I’ll see the general practitioner, Dr. Yes, who will send me to get seen for the scaring on my eye. I knew I’d eventually deal with skin problems and that issues with Lupus may affect my face. I said I’d wear the scars like jewelry and not be ashamed of it. We’ll see. Seal managed to take scars and make us not care a thing about them. His face is scared from a battle with Lupus. It doesn’t always do the same type of damage. I’m holding out hope on this one.
I had a long, wonderful, lavender scented shower this afternoon. Now I’m going to finish off the last of my baked pear and close this day out early.
This is the first journal entry typed while using the bed easel.