I still got the WWE Smackdown headlock treatment but this time she put a pillow between her body and mine. It worked out well. Since she has a great since of humor. I shared with her the unpleasantness of having a breast in the ear. Some may disagree but it isn’t my idea of a good time. I expressed concern for her suddenly getting cold and piercing me through with her nipple. I expressed my concern for mismanaged nose debris (boogers) and me rolling off the table to avoid it.

burn-outSo, we spent the first few minutes laughing. I then explained that the triggers of having a female doctor or therapist are quite strong and that with increased anxiety, flashbacks, sleepless nights and snapping at my cat was enough for me to pull the plug on the situation. I hated to do that because I really liked her. Not once did she cross a boundary, not once was she inappropriate. As a matter of fact, she has assisted in me finally getting relief for the right arm. She was instrumental in helping relieve the numbness and tingling by about eighty percent.  But she’s female and that’s too much for me to deal with.

I show up at her office and lie down face up. She walks behind me. I can’t see her. The next thing is that she begins to move my neck in a way that hurts and I need to lie there and remember it’s 2016 and I’m 45 years old, not 5 or 6 or even 20 years old. I’m an adult and free. I forget that as she has her hands round my neck, standing behind me, causing pain. It’s hard to sort out. After all these years of therapy this is actually a success that I lasted this long with her touching me. That’s good and it’s most certainly growth but I’m done with it for now.

She and I chose a new physical therapist to see, a man. I accepted appointments until November 18th. After that I need to focus on the final dental surgeries of which there are two. My teeth break right in the bone. I don’t feel pain from it but it causes problems if a piece of food gets in there. After the dental stuff I’ll be finished with major medical stuff for the year. I’ll see Dr. Yes the middle of December and hope to have a great progress report.

I sat on the yoga ball today, it feels so much better than just about any chair. I miss my yoga ball. Anyway, I’m going to start now stocking up for the winter. I figure I’ve got several shopping trips to be able to bring here food stuffs and toiletries so that I don’t have to try and bring in the basics when it’s cold. My main concern is getting enough ginger and turmeric in the house so I can make my milk tea minus the milk. I prefer it fresh, but I’m going to stock up on both of them in dried format.

I hope not to lose more sleep over being routinely touched by a woman. It’s so triggering. I’m jumpy, very, very talkative because of anxiety and overall feeling like I want to run. I just keep making her laugh until I can get away safely.

Gracious, it’s cold today. I’m going to need to start my milk tea. I wonder if I could start it in the slow cooker? I’m exhausted and will not be able to stay awake the entire time, but i do need to get it started.


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