I’m trying to focus a little bit better and stay better grounded. I feel like a loose cannon. I also feel like I just got back from someplace. Everything seems so strange. I look at my house and think, Dear Lord, do any of us clean up after ourselves?
I don’t want to do anything at all, nothing. I know I should write to keep track of myself. I can at lease come here and see how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been doing.
I did have therapy on Monday but it felt like a waste. I didn’t really say anything of value.
I saw Betty who took me to get toiletries. I came home after that.
I know I was upset over a new person and not wanting to take any steps whatsoever in that direction. As stated, I just want to make stuff, do my volunteer work, study, drink tea and hang with the girls. I want to sleep in my bed ALONE not with anyone else. I don’t want to go down that road at all. It feels easier, less stressful to for all of us to give ourselves permission to be single. No relationships other than friendship.
I need alone time. I need time to recover physically from just about everything I do. It doesn’t matter if it’s fun or not, I need recovery time. I do need things to love and nurture but those things have to go back to their own homes! They can’t live here. Working with the families I work with is great. Fifteen kids GO HOME to their parents. I don’t have to cook dinner for anyone or need to be the other half of a partnership. And yet, there is still something to prove. Part of me wants to prove to my family that I can be loved. I want to rub it in their faces that the person they cast off as worthless is in fact lovable. I want my to say to my sister, screw you! You don’t want me, you don’t care if I live or die (kinda cold) but I’m lovable. I still feel as though I have something to prove.
I ask myself, even if I decided to open this door, would I personally believe I’m lovable? Do I believe that the person would stay after they discovered so many cracks? Who needs the most proof, my family or me?
I’d rather not even deal with the issue of relationships. I was right not to go any further with ‘Boaz’. My issues were much too strong to couple with his issues but this gentleman isn’t a survivor of genocide nor his he a survivor of abuse. He’s just a guy with baggage but not PTSD, major depression or any mental illness. What, you have a job and a home, too? Nah, too good to be true. Get out of my face! He’s a minority!
As much protesting as I just did in that last paragraph, I will admit that if a certain Californian came along again I wouldn’t say no. He already know my broken pieces and I his.
There have been a lot of triggers lately including a close friend with Lupus who has been hospitalized in critical care. Dealing with a female physical therapist and several other issues have knocked me back a step or two but I expect to steady myself again.
I’ve narrowed down a few paintings to 3 that I want to complete by the end of the year. Two of them include using a sealant I’m not used to which means a lot of practice with them will take place. I want to be finished with thinning out all the extra artwork by January. I’ve got about 75% less than when I started. I see it as doable, if I can keep my focus.
I’ve not eaten a thing today.
Snow will be here tomorrow. I’ll see the Dynamic Duo Saturday. Their mother runs a non-for-profit for the promotion of literacy. One half of the duo is doing artwork for the other half’s short stories. Some of the kids who have written short stories would like to have it published for sale. I have to figure out how to do that, that’s an entry for another day. At least it makes me smile though. It’s awesome to see them paint, put their stories beside it and then feel its good enough to show the entire world. Such confidence to be kids 13 and under!