9:09 pm est –
I woke hearing a song in my head. “Fight Song” Teenybopper or not, the song is on our iPod.

10:50 pm EST
Sometimes, more than not, I do better than this. I have to remember that things really changed once my brother died. Things changed big time. I heard the voice of cousins and aunts, of my sister, voices I’d not heard in 25 years. I would say a crash is understandable. I have to keep that in mind, its understandable.

I should add that when the house was cleaned a few days ago, there were clothes all over the bedroom but the living room, dining area and restroom were spotless. No bugs, no maggots, just clothes and peppermint disk wrappers. It looked as if they hid themselves in the bedroom and only went out to present when people visited. I doubt anyone saw back here.

I think to myself, I hide a lot, don’t I? At home I’m often an abandoned child (usually a clean one) but when it’s time to greet visitors they see a different person. They don’t see the individual trying her hardest to keep it together for the span of two hours.

I can be hugged by the kids, who never see me broken. I can be hugged by them, male or female without flinching or pulling away or ranting in my head about how people always want a hug even though I just saw them a few days ago. That rant is old. I don’t get it. I don’t get why people have to hug when they meet and hug when they leave. My goodness! But kids, no problem.

I told Dr. D that I’m unable to tell the difference between the sound of children laughing from the sound of them crying. When I first hear the sound there is no difference. I have to tell myself, convince myself that the child is laughing, that’s not a cry, it’s laughter. When they are crying I have to put on my ‘mother ears’ and figure out what type of cry it is. Is this kid tired? Is this crying mixed with fear or crying due to mom or dad smacking their butt or is it a cry that they’re being abused? There’s a clear distinction between the cry of a smack on the butt and the cry with fear when a child is being abused, age makes a difference, too.

Anyway….I still hide……Lord have mercy. I just thought of something. The little girl that hides and cries, the one I go looking for even though I know she’s not real. She’s hiding. That’s my point, she’d hiding, just like I do with so much. A very long, long time ago a doctor told me I can rattle off the worst abuse as if I’m reading a grocery list. He said I say it with no emotion at all. I may say it that way but I can see it, smell it, hear it and when I’m saying it I feel like I’m going to burst. I’m afraid or angry but I’m not showing it.

I told Dr. D that I’m having issues again with being able to speak up when it comes to women. I was speaking with a woman I don’t know very well. She was really giving me the blues. She was running her mouth like it was on jet fuel. I made one statement which told her I wasn’t going to change my mind or agree with her just so she’d shut up. After that statement she wouldn’t let it go, she just kept on riding me about it. I grit my teeth. I was silent. When I had enough I took a deep, audible breath, opened the door, got out and walked away. There was no need for further discussion…or anxiety. I could hear in my head, “tell her to shut her mouth!” I never did. Oh, but had it been a man talking crazy, good Lord, trying shutting me up, just try!!! Nope. I’ll go toe to toe with a man in a hot second but women, their anger and irritation scares me. I’m happy I stood my ground and didn’t just say what she wanted me to say. She kept saying, “It’s enough”. I said, “As I said before, it’s not enough. It may be enough in your eyes but it’s not enough for me, and we are talking about me.” There was no further need to keep speaking…. Gracious! She kept on though until I just got out of the car and walked away.

I can’t sit in a car with a woman yelling at me or nagging me to death. At this point, with being triggered and having family issues, the very last thing I’m going to do is feel like a kid again sitting in the car getting reamed by my mother. Not going to happen. The thing is, I’ve got 15 years on the person I was sitting beside who wanted to argue. Fifteen years older than the nagging woman and I was still triggered enough to simply get out of the car.

I’m going to bail now too because it’s late and I really need to go back to sleep. I have physical therapy tomorrow as well as a visit with the spine doctor.


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