I’ve gotten back to watching a movie at night and relaxing. I read a little bit, play video games then turn the light out and sleep. The sun is up when I turn my light out but the hours are so much easier since I’ve been back to my night time ritual.
I was eating cereal and cold cuts, no real food for a bit there, but I’m back to cooking. I’m hungry! Tonight I sauted some greens, added chicken and a spicy plum sauce with a bit of Jasmine rice. I used utensils at first but for fun, I abandoned them for my hand. The dish was prepared in a way that made this easy for my Westernized self to successfully use my hand.
I feel a little different having processed through some of the crap in my head. I’m not nearly as anxious as I was but I’m still self conscious and still in self loathing mode, heck, I feel like my feet are inches above the ground and like nothing is real. Even with feeling all that, I feel better than I did.
In therapy Monday we talked about how thin my hair is getting. I’m considering adding hair to the right side where it’s coming out so badly. I know I can wear one of my headdresses / scarves, but I only want to when I want to. I feel self conscious about my hair coming out. As a girl, better yet, a black woman, I’ve got options to add a few dreadlocks to the right side of my head and make them look natural. I’m just filling in what was lost. I told Dr. D that if the color doesn’t match the way I want it to I’ll dye my hair darker but I won’t dye the gray around my temple or the center of my forehead. I earned that grey hair and I intend to keep it. I know to simply cover that area or use Vaseline to smooth down the hair I don’t want dyed. This grey hair is mine and it’s not getting dyed for anything. My grey hair is my life’s prize, my trophy. I wear it with pride.