Going to therapy is a very long day. It’s 3 hours round trip which is a lot on this body. I bring a lunch in a compact container as well as a small bag of medical needs. Since my anxiety has been very high I started bringing a small sketch pad with pens and stuff. I need to do something with my hands to work out the anxiety. When it was warmer I could go on the lawn and wait for the cab to return. I’d have a picnic style lunch.
When I get there I’ve got about 45 min before I see him so I use that time to study. Sometimes I cut study short because I am anxious so I start to draw. After I see Dr. D I’ve got an hour before the cab comes to get me. I eat lunch and then paint a little or read. It’s a very long day but I try to use the time as best I can. Dr. D has supplies in his office but we bring our own art supplies.
I’ve got a little watercolor set coming in the mail. I bartered for it. 🙂 I was able to get the pallet knives and this watercolor set for a painting. I like the painting she chose. 🙂
It’s 4:22 am. I should go to sleep but I’m fighting it tooth and nail. I do this all the time. I stay up really late but I still make the appointment the next day. I just have to pack the night before. All the time we were in school to be a Chef we hardly slept. We had horrible room mates in the dorms. Awful but four years of forced insomnia were completed. I’ve been fighting sleep for a very long time. I won’t even say it’s a goal to improve my sleep habits because this is the one thing I will not press.
Yeah, I know I need sleep and that lack of sleep will affect my body….and mind…but I tell you, going to sleep will also negatively affect my body and mind. I’m still afraid. I still fight going to the most vulnerable position a person can be in. I still fight taking off my clothes, going in the bed, pulling the covers up and waiting…. I’m just waiting. I need it black as coal in here because as long as it’s pitch black I know I’m safe. If there’s light then someone has come in somewhere, the light had to come in from outside. There’s no way to come in without breaking pitch black.
Once I go to sleep its a toss up how bad it’ll be. Sometimes I don’t have bad dreams. Sometimes I don’t wake with a sick feeling in my stomach and sometimes I wake and think I’m okay but more than not my first thought is, …well, my heart sinks because I’m still here. Not all of us feel this way, but I do. We all hate sleep but we aren’t all saddened by waking up. Nights are hard.