That entry was kind of rough…shesh, but so was therapy and so is the reality of it all.
I was exhausted after therapy and after writing the entry so I went to sleep. The phone woke me, it was Betty telling me she’ll be here tomorrow. I was to go back to sleep after that but I never did.
I’ve read that entry no less than 10 times and it still feels surreal. I said some strong things. I didn’t pull any punches, but I’m not taking a word of it back.
There’s one last thing about therapy on Monday. There was one last secret to tell, something I couldn’t bring myself to say in all my years of therapy. I was trained not to, specifically told what to say, how to say it and to turn it around on the person who might ask about it. It was the one thing since I was maybe in the 3rd grade that was never, ever to be spoken of in any terms other than what was given to me. But today I said it and then cried….. It was that one piece of my mother that wasn’t perfect………. saying it didn’t feel like betrayal……….it felt like pain for my mother…..but that’s hard to explain and it’s too late to go in to it. I have to be up tomorrow morning, this morning.