I had a dream about a woman I used to know, someone I traded a whole lot to be with. That was 9 years of strangeness and emotions so strong that each touch was like being bashed with a brick. Well, in the dream she'd lost her mind. She had an 80's hair cut like Cindy Lauper, it was bleach blond. She was wearing some sort of strange all black outfit and had these pin buttons all over her clothes that said, I voted. They were on her shirt and skirt. I voted.
My car had broken down and I needed a ride home. She was there for a support group meeting. She didn't want me to see her. I said hello anyway but I thought, this girl has lost her mind.
In the dream she was lost. The things in her life ate her sanity until she was just, lost. I figure, if I go off the deep end thank goodness I can swim and thank God I have friends who will jump in and pull me up. Dr. D asked today if I feel secure in my life. I said I have never been more loved, more supported, more stable in relationships all the years I've lived. Despite physical hardships, despite poverty, despite mental health, yes, my home is stable. My mind isn't stable but this house, the people in my life, that is stable.
My current friends are flawed but they are strong friendships. They are individuals who lead drama free lives and who keep their friends for decades. No short term friendships, no fair weather friends, just good and flawed ones. I don't fear hearing, "I'm going on my path and you're off on yours." No, I don't worry they're out growing me. They're a different kind of friendships that I've ever had. I talk primarily about Betty and her sister Snow but there is a group of 5 that I would say I'm closest to with maybe a group totally 20 that are true, dependable, irritating, funny, supportive friends. I don't have the same drama prone friends I sought out.
What is security? How does one measure it?
My life is so far from perfect, but that's no what he asked. He asked if I feel secure, and the answer is yes. This is my home and I have friends that love me. I make my meals here, I have places for the things I love the most. I have peace here. Am I secure? I'm as secure as anyone can be in my position.
I feel okay about making long term plans. I don't feel like its a waste of time to bond because things are going to change. I don't think I will have to move because of money or that I'll have the electricity turned off. Most important is that I feel like I can set long term goals and have long term projects because I'm going to be here to see them through. It takes a stable environment to see long term goals to their end.
One of the best things about my life is my variety of interests, and my desire to explore.
I don't have the mind set that I shouldn't get attached to anything or get comfortable because I'm going to have to leave or one of my friends is going to tire of me. As much as Betty and I go at it, that's still a strong relationship with no end for either of us. So yeah, according to my definition and with my circumstances in mind, I have a measure of security and stability in my life. That is a very important thing to remember as I grapple with various issues right now.
I struggle with the idea of the new diagnosis. I won't even say it out loud, even still, my entire world has not crumbled and the sky did not fall.
It's time to go back to sleep.