How man times have I started to write how I feel but stare blankly at the screen? How many times have I promised myself I’d just start typing anything and not worry what about content? Again I take a minute to hold my face in my hands, pressing my fingers tightly to my closed eyes. I hear voices stumble over each other in the back of my head, more than that I feel dread. We’re going to say something stupid, something we have to take back. We’re going to discourage someone who might think, ‘she’s been in therapy all this time and she’s still like this, why should I even try?’ I keep measuring myself with an invisible ruler and I continue to come up short.
There are times I want to write about what to expect here on Sundrip 2017 but those words feel mixed up and pointless. I’m going to offer more community gifts. In 2016 I offered 5 Pay it Forward art pieces. I have something different in mind for community gifts. In 2017 I’d like to focus more on painting flowers. The primary focus of 2017 will be abstract work. I may not post the results, just the emotional process. I’ll be using my oil media more.
There’s acceptance and bitterness to be worked on. At times I resent being an artist because it’s not my first love. At times I fear being known only as an artist or first as an artist. I was born to be a chef and that was taken because of my mental and physical condition. I have a love, hate relationship with art. There is acceptance to be done when it comes to my physical condition. Being in pain all the time will make you angry. There has to be a conscious effort to watch that you don’t become bitter and cynical. In some ways that has crept in and I need to clean that out of me because bitterness is worse than any disease.
I’m in a messy art studio group on Facebook so I take photos of my studio in shambles, but I cleaned it up really well so that when the palette knives arrive, I can start on the art piece I wrote about the other day.
I worked with the new pocket size Winsor Newton watercolor. Wow! Awhile ago I snagged a sale at Hobby Lobby for 18 x 24 watercolor paper at 40% off. I didn’t know I’d have a great watercolor set. I worked with it some last night an absolutely love it. I practiced strokes and trying to control the media. One thing I realize about me is that while I like colors that bleed together freestyle, I also wish to control the media better. I like dripping paint. I like the wet look. This will be very fun. I had to smile at that because I just experienced the love / hate spoken of earlier.
After a bit of arguing in my head, of quieting my fears and jumping in head first, I’ve gotten out a blog entry.