I’m restless…anxious. Sometimes when I get this way it feels like I need to put something inside me to calm down. I feel like I need to scribble on paper while pacing the floors with the a movie playing and the radio on at the same time. I need to rip my stomach out. I need to go to my bed and pull the covers over me but that’s not going to work because I’ll just lie there and my head will keep going and going. I can feel my hair on my neck, it feels like it weights a ton. I promised not to cut it. I’m restless. I think if I change something big then it’ll fix whatever it is that’s wrong with me, even though I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m so anxious. I have anxiety meds, they might as well be candy.

I’ve seen my frogs change their skin and I thought, man I’d like to do that. It’s as if they peel off their skin from the bottom then lift it over their head as if to lift off a dress or a shirt. Off with the old, now the new is bright and pretty. They do it in one swish, expertly. 

Shoot. shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot!!!!! This will sound crazy but I’m okay with that. I wish I had Fibromyalgia because now every time something happens, every pain I’m not use to, I’m going to question if I’ll have to add it to my plate of pain. I have hammer toes…. I have flat feet…. the left foot is having problems. It’s the left foot on the outside below the small toe but not quite as far back as the heel. ………..

That’s interesting…. after I wrote the last paragraph I sort of sat here with my face covered then looked around the room a bit. I realized my anxiety level dropped a bit. Maybe tonight all I needed was to scream that yet another thing with my body is falling apart and yet another thing hurts and with the new diagnosis  updated diagnosis I’m not sure what it means for my long term pain load. Uncertainly is anxiety provoking.

With that, I’m going to have a glass of water and I’m going to go to sleep…. I think.


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